do you remember how it feels like to get away from it all? 

it was like a fantasy.  with long episodes of agony, we passed through a long tunnel, following the light at the end, literally and metaphorically.  i found another favourite nook on earth.  i must have memorized episodes of lonely planet (yes, before pilot guides) as i had been a great fan back when the program was still considered extreme television.  i have appreciated the guts of ian and justine who perhaps never winced at the permanence of foot blisters and the unpredictable reception rituals of their spontaneous hosts.  i loved the show, and yet i did not see myself letting loose beyond the city gates of strange places.  last weekend i understood how it felt.  being the different kid on the block, the strange traveller.  and i understood how it felt looking through an image of perfect serenity after hours of racing with thousands of cars on a wide road, getting lost, and trying to calm everyone by whistling in the middle of a rural road that cuts through miles of uninhabited land, or lining a craggy cliff. 

how rarely we speak of an outcome worthy of suffering?  ten hours on the road could understandably give rise to irritation, especially when already harbouring the fear of not finding a place apparently tucked away in a corner of a relatively unknown place.  but yes, it was worth it.  as my sister, mom, and i counted the number of streets to our oceanfront address, we were greeted by the cold breeze and scent of the ocean, and suddenly, all of the unhappy thoughts, even the ones that have lingered on, at least in my life, were suddenly whisked away.  i have seen many beaches.  too many and mostly crowded in fact that it never occured to me how mesmerizing beaches are when there is only the sea to watch. 

as we opened our door to our rented mini apartment, our eyes went straight to the unblocked view of the endless horizon and of the sun that was about to set.  the brown grass that gives colour to an otherwise white sandy plain shakes with the passing of the cold strong winds.  the stroll around the small town was equally relaxing.  on a corner was a bearded middle aged man concentrating on gutting fishes and stocking fillets.  on the fence beside him reads "oysters...buy 12 for..."  on another corner was a realtor's office, playfully decorated with colourful hanging plants and faux shipwrecked materials.  although it seemed everyone knows everyone, i never felt a hint of threat. 

i slept peacefully that night, and not because of the long exhausting trip.  the truth is you would most likely catch a calm atmosphere when everything around you is serene.   i wished we could have planned the trip better.  i wished we could have stayed longer.  the place really and trully caught my heart, and i am looking forward to going back and staying longer, hopefully as soon as next summer.

i learned to never underestimate places you imagined are obscure.  you  never know what you may find there.

i still find it surprising when i unintentionally witness a few of my childhood acquaintances' lapse of judgement in public.  as a matter of fact, i find it rather amazing recalling how we were just a bunch of hopeful youngsters wanting a ticket out of town.  i often wonder how each of us made or what influenced us to make decisions in terms of which step to take day by day.  we sure looked like we started from the same ground, and yet years later our lives have gone in directions as distinct as the two ends of an 180 angle.   as i read about a childhood acquaintance's rather profane online rant, i could not help but compare that while my issues these days revolve around business (not necessarily my own) and profit growth, this person is still stuck in a juvenile war of words that only brings a reputation (the person's own--even) to ruin.   and while i sit across "mad men" if most of the time only to listen and learn, this person and many more, are preoccupied with making everyone believe about what in truth is a life far from glamour.

sure, there may be the matter of circumstance.  i may have been outside when it rained opportunities, but we all have moments in our lives we would like to forget.  or perhaps it may have been the unseen handing of family values, but what of the general lessons we learned from a common classroom?  of course, one may find social manners and propriety rather relative and perhaps even obsolete, however in reality this is what saves the world from crumbling. 

slowly as i assess my thoughts, it became known to me that i have just created a wall between the other and i.  "this is how i speak, but this is how they act."  should i feel guilty thinking about it?  should i pretend it does not exist when i really could not relate to any of the others' experiences?  did some of us grow old faster, or did we just blend in to different worlds that fit our earlieir formed values?   is this perhaps the case where the question of individuals we look up to in childhood finally matter?  how did we arrive with a specific picture of an improved self?  how do we see ourselves, and how would we want others to see us or remember us when our backs finally reach the ground six feet under?

i want to be remembered as that person who persisted in learning the parallel parking that is life. 

soon after i got back from my holiday, i scheduled a lunch with a good friend in the big city.  i have not seen her for almost two years, and our communication had been sparse at best.  nonetheless, she is one of my good friends, and although sometimes i feel as though i do not really know half of her world, she has been the only friend whom i kept in touch all these years.  it was dreary that day, typical even for a summer in these parts.  it used to be the case that i would end up waiting for her for a couple of minutes.  this time, however, due to my attempts to take part in a greener approach, i had overestimated the efficiency of the public transport and ended up having to catch my breath as i ran up the dizzying train escalator.  by some twist of luck, we bumped at each other steps from our supposed meeting place. 

between our takes of shrimp and vegetable tempura, we discussed how limited our social circles have become--i especially.  ever since i started working, it seemed as though i have confined myself to the bubble that is my career.  i lost friends without even noticing it, and i decided to break away from a very long intimate relationship.  suddenly, i told my friend that i feel like deleting a huge proportion of the connections i have on an online social network.  i used to get enthralled suddenly finding the people i know in the past in cyberspace.  nowadays, it seems the majority of them, even those i have really developed a close relationship in the past, have been reduced to some form of an entertainment at best, and i began to wonder whether or not i was deceiving myself or whether i have become more irritable to cultural behaviours (primarily the lack of acknowledgement for a greeting) with which i am no longer familiar.  i do miss having friends around.  or perhaps make that, i miss the past personalities of the people i saw as friends.  there had been discussions between the mentor and i about the worth of keeping these type of connections, and whether there were any reasons why "long lost friends" are lost. 

suddenly i understood my parents giving me a simple shrug when years back i asked "why don't you hear from your childhood friends anymore?"

despite the attempts of the politicans in these parts to curb our petrol consumption, there was no slowing the desire to drive and get lost around the winding country roads especially on a hot summer's day.  so off we went to the "birthplace" of the town again last weekend.  although we have never really visited the place last year, we think of eating at its 50s burger joint and possibly finishing the meal with the gelato next door a summer tradition since the younger sister and i first discovered (thanks to my father) the entertaining quaint and touristy touch of the township.  when we arrived, the town appeared even more jolly with the groups of young and old all dressed up for wedding pictorials strolling around the streets lined with antique and specialty shoppes, probably searching for the best view to catch the mood of the celebrations.  there must have been four couples tying the knot that day.  the town hall was where one of the late afternoon ceremonies was held.  the rest must have taken place on each of the four or five churches almost circling the outskirts of the centre.  for a tiny town, the place sure has more churches that could compete with the italian city ratios.

for the odd part of the day, we visited the town's cemetery just to read the rare old engravings on the stones.   i thought to myself "four weddings...no funeral..."  or so i thought.

this week has been unusually surreal.  in the midst of my attempts to catch up with the pile of real life responsibilities that i have left accumulating while i was away supposedly relaxing, came an almost barrage of information that perhaps truly i did not wish to hear.  a person with whom i had not really developed a close relationship (but was close to most around me) passed away last week.  we were not close, and as a matter of fact, i have not met him in person.  it was however, interesting in that i felt as if he had said goodbye, and i disregarded it.  it was the first and last that i spoke with him on the phone about a month and a half ago.  yes, he had mentioned that he felt the time was near, and i on my best (but was in fact unsatisfactory) reply said "oh no, don't say that...you will be fine..."  

i was told everything was alright.  he lived life to the fullest.  and i, on the other hand, was advised to look at life this way.  "do something that you really want in a week, and in a year, or years, you would have done a thousand things.  and when you look back near the end you will have no regrets."

those words made me ponder.  i realised most of waking hours i have not really done what i want.  or, i think too much of finishing things to make my life better.  but what do i really want out of life?  i know i wold love to have certain material things and to be on a particular status, financial-wise, but i have not really thought about right here, right now.  suddenly, i was told "you scared me when you said you do not think of swimming into the sea of intimate relationships, even in possibilities..." so it was not just my parents.  or have i really found another parent?

hmm.  i wonder if i really end up marrying a football--the european football--fan.

it's amazing how i suddenly realised i have actually gone to a lot of places already.  while killing the time on a boring sunday in bern, a young man propped his bike on one of the tall trees lining the ascending road to rosengarten and asked me to take a photo of him in the backdrop of the fairy-tale perfect town.  my mom and i had been sitting on a bench overlooking the city centre for hours, something that we very rarely do these days.  "picture?" he said.  i stood up, took his tiny digicam and proceeded to take a good view.  "wait, let me get up this bench." at 5 feet, i thought i was better off needing the exra height the bench provides to give a better effect on the picture. 

"oh, are you...i can't tell from the accent" he asks. 

"no, i'm from...i can't tell whether you are 'A' or 'B' too unless you are from the 'specific place'" 

for a good fifteen minutes we had a conversation.  i learned he is travelling around europe and working on his dissertation until august, and seems to just hop from one train to another, a city to another.

"are you here for long?" 

"we're just here for two weeks.  we seem to have followed the eurocup, coming from vienna and all...tomorrow we're heading to paris, and then back to london..." i explained. 

we both looked back at the view.  "it's a beautiful city...quiet though." 

and suddenly, we started conversing about cities we have visitied, exchanged personal comments and suggestions.  all of a sudden it occured to me that i actually gone to more cities than he has. 

when he left, i told my mom about the abrupt realisation.  "yes, you seem to know a lot already...you've seen a lot already" she replies.

indeed, in such a quick time i seem to have maximised my scope of travel.  on the other hand, there is still a lot that i feel i need to see.  the getaway this time was one that allowed me to recognise personal preferences.  i still think that of all the cities that i have visited, venice and florence are the two that i would love to see again and again in the future.

for some odd reason however, this holiday was the first where i was beggining to feel familiar with europe.  familiar in a sense that despite the differences among the countries, i was confident that i was able to find my way around the place.  more significantly, i am beginning to understand that behind the proximities and the similarities primarily in terms of the historical structures among the countries, the highly distinctive cultures are proudly brought out by the people for everyone to understand and for those like me, appreciate.