summer_summer

again. this is the saddest moment in my life. my family sucks. We dont have money anymore. our business is down. we dont have income. we're living on credit cards. thank God i got my tutorial classes and i dont need to ask for money to my dad. my mom always comes home late. my father's gone mad in making money to make ends meet. i hate my younger sister for  being such a devil. i hate her with all my heart. i dont like her. i dont love her. as much as possible, i dont wanna see her fuckin face.

and next, julius doesnt even seem to care bout our thesis!! i dont know. i dont wanna talk about it. im just angry bout it.

and i thought mike will be here for me in times like this. I remember i used to be there for him. when he needed someone to talk to. When he wanted to vent out his feelings. i was there to listen and be a friend. I was there to remind him that he's not alone. but he was never there for me. He doubted my love, loyalty and sincerity to him. im so broken. 

everything's fuck up. it's as if i dont have the right to be happy. fuck up life!! it's a mess. i wanna die. really. i wanna die. 

summer_summer

i decided not to go to school today because i felt terribly ill. Last night was horrible. i felt so alone and my fever was skyrocketing; that high. Mama wasn't able to attend to me because she was sick too. Oh well, i figured out that im old enough to take care of myself. And though I didn't want to think about Mike the whole time i was sick, i somehow could feel the times that he was really sick and was alone. I just can't get him off my mind. Maybe he's one of the reasons why my system is weak. It's crazy but there was never a minute i stopped thinking bout him. How he has been doing but i know i don't have the right to ask him bout that since I don't want to look and behave like i was the only who is into him. I just pity myself and there's a need to control it. Of course i miss him very much. I used to tell him everything, bout how's my day has been and i still haven't got used to the fact that it's not going to be like that anymore. He was online a while ago and he told me he'd gonna be right back. The heck, he didn't come back and i waited for hours. I wanted to email him and ask him why he didnt come back but then again, i have to keep it to myself or blog about it (which is what im doing right now). I don't have the slightest right to ask him about anything.

i have a hard time in breathing. I felt like my breath are short and i have to breath deep so as not to ran out of it or fall short of it. I felt very sick and worried about my subjects in school too. I hope God will always be there for me. though i started the sem with fear, i want to give my best shot for this. I have to keep up and be good, though the things in my life are quite messy right now...

It's just that, mike is not with me now. I miss him. i do.

arakins

Found these in my summer notebook.

Boredom at its finest ;p

I gaze at those steady, warm brown windows

To a new beginning, a bitter ending, a sweet parting

Stop this senseless banter, I shake the very foundations of my being

Nothing else do I desire more than to belong

To the scent of the mountainside, the secure hold

The history

The mystery

Of those weathered hands

****

As I await with breathless anxiety

Riveting and consuming distress

Tick tock, knock, ring a ding,

Buzzing.

They are all moving without hesitation

Following the standard rhythm of today’s agenda

I wait. I sit still. I write.

Still, the humdrum continues

I strain to hear the one sound I’ve yearned for

Nothing.

A sign of reaching out, of concern, of interest?

Bleep.

It is dead.

summer_summer

im here at cnet and it's my break. i was planning to do my essay for our educ class but heck, i cant open the attached file in my email here. buh umm, american lit class scared me. coz first off, i dont like the crowd. lol. im not sure if i like the teacher either. I took them all up 2 years ago except for this class, well maybei overlooked at amlit and i really forgot to enrol to this subject.

i got an offline message from him saying that he missed me too. it tore me really. i really wanna held back the tears since im wit my friend here and plus the fact that im in a public place. i can't put to words my feelings when i read his message. i just wanna cry. waahh, im dying really.

and what hurts me more is that my friends doesnt have any idea how im breaking inside. I tried telling them but some just dont understand. im afraid they wont listen to me.

anyway, im feeling really sick right now. I had fever and cough. grr, i hate this. i can't take any physical sickness anymore. it's been too much. thank God i got Tabluas here. it relieves me a little coz i can speak wut's on my mind without holding back anything. but i pity myself coz this is all wut i got.

i left the house with my father angry and telling me and my mom that we are crazy, (mga buang man diay mo). i tried to forget about it but of course it hurts. He just thinks about my sister and never think about me that i have to go coz im goin to be late and the traffic is heavy. When my sister was still in school, he doesn't want her to be late and though it's out of his way, he'll drive her to school. And now that im in that situation, he got angry and telling me im crazy coz i didnt wait for my uncle to come.  my sister doesnt need the car but we do. he doesnt understand that i needed more than an hour to commute to get into school because our house is far and because it's traffic. so yeah, sometimes my mama is my angel. we left home and rode a taxi and i was even way too early for my class.

gotta go!

summer_summer

it hurts more when all i wanna do is cry and yet i have to put up a smile to show to the people how i am completely doing okay. I wanna tell my friends how messed up i am but i can't even bring the subject to them. Im keeping it all inside. im drifting day by day. I'm losing hope. im lonely. and im not yet ready to admit it. i wish he's here with me right now coz i thought he would be the first person to be there for me. and yeah, i realized i'd be picking myself up and he will never be there for me. I should'nt have believed him and now im hurting like crazy. i've done everything and i know it to myself yet it's too hard to understand coz the distance really mattered. he will never stopped doubting at me and we're gunna be hurting ourselves even though God knows we're doing nothing to hurt each other. i understand that. 

awww..  i needed to get over wit this...

summer_summer

I woke up early today. I found my sister changed clothes and yes im a bit surprise because she is not the type who would wake up early and be with us in the church. It's not that she doesnt want to go to church but she wanted more time to sleep on Sundays.

So yeah, forgive me God but i honestly have alot of things in mind when im inside the church. Wait, i dont go scrutinizing people in silence.But, for example, I noticed how church boys become younger and younger to me. And i realized that yeah, im really a grown up now, and plus the fact that i stopped caring bout the people around me. I dont have to feel insecure bout how the way i dress. I don't need to feel that i belong cause I've finally had found myself comfortable for who i am. And of course, no more crushing on the church boys. lol.

I also had prayed to God that He will guide me with my studies. Im really scared bout our upcoming thesis and i admit im not yet prepared for this. But through God's grace and guidance, i am determined to make it. I have to give my best shot in this. I wanna learn more. You know, u get this feeling of holding on to something when it's about to end or expire. oh well, ironies in life. I have to study hard for the last time! lol. 

Secondly, I am hoping that our family will make it through the hardships especially my father who have exerted effort for our business. It's not really good and we've been through financial crisis right at this moment. So i was thinking, instead of spending my money i get from my tutorials on clothes and hang outs, im going to save it for the expenses i will be needing for my thesis. so i have to say goodbye to hang outs and content myself just by looking at the clothes i really wanna have for myself.

and of course, i was also praying to God that He will heal my broken heart. i've been hurting so much recently and i guess there's nothing i can do but accept the changes. I got my family with me and they're enough for me. It's just that everything is not easy to forget. I forgive mike for hurting me and that's for sure. I just can't believe that i was at all waiting for nothing. I don't wanna be bitter but i guess i'd be single for the rest of my life. Lol. well, im not scared by that fact it's just that it makes me wonder how bad i really am for not having someone to be there for me.

Tomorrow is my first day of class though technically it started last week. I didn't go to class since there were no teachers and students were having the usual adjustment period. and for the last sem, I was happy with my grades! except that i got a 3.0 in my Rizal class. haha.. accodring to my friend Bing, she could just count it in her fingers the times i attended the class. haha. sorry

uhh, im watching prison break right now. sEason 3! i've been waiting for years for this. lol

The Orchids - A Kind of Eden

What a wonderful time that was
I was happy with you and a life that tossed in the wind
Someday I’ll toil to write it down

Yeah, one day I’ll reveal it to you my love
Repeat your name, I’ll never stop
You’ll never know how much I care

What can I do when I’m beside you
What can I say when I’m around you
All of this for just one kiss, wouldn’t change it for the world
(Wouldn’t change it for the world)

What can I do when I’m beside you
What can I say when I’m around you
Go it alone, find me at home
You don’t care
You don’t care
You’ve been very kind
Do you mind if I sit and watch you
Sigh and say
I wouldn’t change it for the world

A kind of eden in my mind
A kind of heaven I will find
When I hear you say you really care

But what can I do when I’m beside you
What can I say when I’m around you
All of this for just one kiss, wouldn’t change it for the world
(Wouldn’t change it for the world)

A kind of eden in my mind
A kind of heaven I will find
When I hear you say you really care…

summer_summer

i understand why he had to stop this.

i understand that this kind of pain is normal to anyone who had been borken-hearted.

though i hated him for this, i still want to understand the situation; that things we never expect would actually get in between of the plans.

i understand that sometimes, dreams are left shattered and that moving on would be pretty hard for me.

i just wished he'd understand how much i've been through just to make it work.

i just wished he'd understand that it's normal for me to ask him questions.

i just wished he's understand how he broke and crushed my heart...