· · A C M ë ï r ä · · ©

meira

it was a well executed first road trip for the four of us. the schedule was more or less successfully adhered to, the overall enjoyability levels exceeded all expectations, and the impromtu-ness of having to change our plans due to unforseen circumstances was effortlessly thought up.

probably, the only person who toiled (silently) through the day was the driver. she insists that she's fine, but i'm not so quick to accept her dismissive gesture of deference. many thanks to her, for the trip would not have been what it was without her.

thank heavens for my friends. without them, i would already have been drowned in unreasonable grief during the B.C. days.

meira

as i sit down and look at the clock, its arms ticking away silently, i feel like i'm staring at Time in her face.

it has been quite a while now, but i have not completely moved on. constantly, this huge, greedy and selfish wave of desire rises in me, whispering to me to fly away from here. away from everything i'm familiar with. i really don't understand why i'm like this. running away is not supposed to solve anything. and this is a fact which i'm well aware of.

Time stares squarely back at me, as i contemplate about my irrational wants and demands. why do i blow the downsides of my life out of proportion? i blame Time for everything; she is supposed to heal my wounds, soothe my heart...

instead, she blurs my fondest memories. i find it difficult with each passing day, to remember how happy i used to be. how my days were being spent simply, but filled with warmth. how you used to care.

so i asked Time, "why are you doing this to me? i understand that you'd have to gradually wipe away fragments and snippets of my past. but why erase the bits which i have so carefully tucked away into the deepest corners of my heart? why are you removing the pieces which i hold on most dearly to?"

she remains quiet and unrelenting, her cold and soulless eyes revealing nothing. the urge in me to lunge at her and shake her hard by her shoulders rears up, but i fought to resist it.

i say to myself, not to hold a grudge towards her. for all i know she might be doing me a favour.

but it's really frustrating when i get up in the morning crying, being hit with the sudden realisation that i can no longer remember your face, that your features have become a ball of fuzz to me.

i'm afraid when she will strike mercilessly again. this time around, i'll slowly but surely forget your voice.

is this what they call, the healing process? if so, why do i feel like i'm dying inside?

meira

i have been working for the past 677 days of my life. this roughly translates to 96 weeks, or 22 months.

oddly enough, it hardly feels that i've been in the workforce for that long. to random people in my social circle, it must seem like i'm lovin' my job (the perks of travelling, the industry i'm in), but only my closest: they know how i feel.

i actually feel like i'm trapped/stuck/caught/imprisoned/repressed in an invisible bubble. or like, being sucked into/drowning in an invisible quicksand. my feet are in this putrid shithole, and i'm stepping in deeper and deeper. it stinks and i can't get out. i'm silently (or not so silently) screaming, to no avail...

so, i will just continue to wait. if i sit around and be patient enough, it'll come when it's time.

zillions and zillions of thoughts are looming in my mind, but i don't find anyone to pour them out to. people are just too busy to listen, or they're similarly swamped way over their heads themselves. day after day, the world spins on, oblivious to what's happening to the lives of people. the people who are actually living, or wanting to live.

there must be some souls, who are desperate to live life as a real person. not just another robot among the 6.7 billion in this world.

alarm: wake up. brush teeth. shower. go to work. work. work more. go back home. stuck in traffic/human jam. arrive home. shower. have dinner. stare blankly at the idiot box. go to bed. fall asleep. dream a little dream.

and the cycle continues.

i think to myself, i should be working to keep myself alive, and not the other way round. yet, i get incessantly affected by issues i face at work. as if my job is dictating my life.

at times when i do a bit of reflecting in the wee hours of the night, i find myself so naive, so young, so green and unprepared for the world. when i look my bosses face, i feel like an upset child who can't understand why she is being treated unfairly.

i cannot go on at work like that. time is catching up with me, and i have not managed to grow up quickly enough. i try to push a little harder so that i am able to portray some sort of level headedness. but it's just like going to school alone on the second day. mom and dad drop you off, and there you are, on your own. sure, you're surrounded by people. you'll make friends as you go along.

if only things now are as simple as they were. i've never had so many friends and aquaintances up to this point in my life, yet i've never been more alone.

and when a person is alone, they seek. i don't know what i'm looking for, but i sure do hope i know it when i find it.

meira

sometimes i feel as if i'm blessed with the best life anyone could have on earth. other times, i just don't know where everything is heading.

just when i thought i was able to see the road ahead, then this thick and intense fog descends over me...i hate uncertainties.

i'm still learning how to be patient and to wait calmly.

(it's strange how i'm capable of feeling happy and depressed at the same time. i don't understand myself.)

so many exciting things to anticipate, yet nothing has happened so far. too many uncertainties...

why am i like this arghh~

meira

most people i know say their work sucks. here is a good example from my conversation with oyster a.k.a. lolo:

oyster a.k.a lolo says:
i dunno which i need more..directions or confidence
is like..imagine this
in a big blue sea
u r swimming in one direction
u saw some pearls..
so u swim downwards to collect them
then suddenly..
ur supervisor say..
eh..the other side have bigger pearls
then u stop abruptly and swim to the other side
while swimming in the dark, u grope a lil
hoping swiming in the right directions..
then when u finally reach that place..ur supervisor already there collecting..
then u thought to urself..why bother swimming so quickly when that area is already covered

meira says:
LOLOLOLOLOLOL

oyster a.k.a lolo says:
then when u reach..he ask where r ur other pearls?
u thought..heck..i was about to collect then u ask me to swim to the other side
why dont just tell me earlier how many pearls u want or what u expec me to do
un?
ahhaha

meira says:
HAHAHHAHAHH good description

oyster a.k.a lolo says:
yea..so now i'm swimming to the other side..
thinking if i should swim straight or pick up more pearls in between

on mc today...but looking forward to an NBT Jazz show later in the evening  ! will i be able to make it???