this is how lonely i am.

in the attempt to find someone to talk to. i end up talking to myself through blogging. and letting my emotions out to people i dont even know.

i date plenty of guys. i attend VIP parties. i go out every friday. i buy myself clothes. almost everything that used to giv me contentment, i did.

but at the end of the day, it always come to the same point where i end up thinking this miserable but undeniably true thought.

i wished you were here.

i wish i had you to date so that i wouldnt have to pretend that i enjoy their company. i wish you were here so that i wouldnt have to stop myself from crying whenever i chat with a guy that seems to be so much like you, and i realize its still you i wanna talk to. i wished you were here so that i wouldnt have to stare at couples who cuddle in the middle of the party. i wished you were here so that i wouldnt have to see movies alone. i wished you were here so that i would have someone to share my good news with. i wished you were here so that i wouldnt have to keep myself busy with boxing to let out my frustrations. i wish you were here so that i would have someone to keep frm smoking and partying every week. i wished you were here so that someone would stop me from leaving my bank account zero balance. i wished you were here so that someone would keep my spirits up whenever my boss unreasonably shouts at me. i wished you were here so that someone would help me convince myself that i am beautiful and that i dont need to buy every clothes there is to make me look pretty. i wished you were here so that i wouldnt have to go home drunk so that i could sleep without thinking of you. i wished you were here so that i wouldnt have to lie to everyone that i am happy with the way we are, when in fact, im not. i wished you were here so that i wouldnt have to blog to show everyone just how much i love you.

remember? i stopped blogging the day i fell in love with you. when i realized that i didnt have anything to rant about.

i was happy. was, being the operative word.

 

i am never gonna be a writer. when i graduate, i will pass my resume to every company that doesnt require any thinking or composing of words. i will probably pass one at mango where my friend, a graduate of csb is curently emplyed with the salary of 325 a day. frustrating no? prang wala pa sa 1/4 ng tuition nya un eh, but i gues we realy have to start at the lowest. she actually got accepted for managerial position, but since she doesnt have any expirience, she starts as a cashier to "familiarize" (according to the interviewer) with the clothings. and since according to her too being a chinese is an advantage, ill probably apply for the same position, kahit na wlang koneksyon sa course ko.at least there i would be at my dream land, in a room surrounded with realy cool clothes shoes and bags. anyway i think managers get biggger salary. if not, ill be seeing u guys at call centers. i know i swore applying for a call center position would be my last resort, but seeing how hard it is to earn money these days, i change my mind. theres no way im getting 7k a month. its not even enough to get me by. how am i supose to buy myself a house.

on my desperate attempt to pretend that things are fine the way they are.. i came across these quotations. doesnt really have anything to do with the situation but i find them utterly true. here they are:

if you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun-katherine hepburn

the only way to charm a guy is to seem not too interested with them-Helen Feilding

the problem with women is that they get all worried and crazy about nothing and thn they marry him-Cher

a woman wihtout a man is like a fish without a bicycle-Gloria Steinem

"the only way to get rid of temptation is to yeild to it"-Oscar wilde

"In any moment of decision,
the best thing you can do is the right thing,
the next best thing is the wrong thing,
and the worst thing you can do is nothing."
- Theodore Roosevelt -

and finally my favorite one:

i think, therefore im single-liz winston

you're damn right liz

and yeah, screw you horny perverts that invented foam party.

ito ang entry ng isang studyanteng stressed sa pangongopya ng notes pra sa taxation, na hindi rin namn nagamit; puyat sa kakatelebabad; badtrip sa pagkakastranded sa ust; nalipasan ng gutom dahil sa walang pera, at badtrip sa taong nde marunong magtext: magulo, walang point at madaming gramatical errors.

in relation to my last entry "to dump or not to dump.." well... no need to think about it. i did it. dump him, i mean. actually if you look at it from outside the box it would be hard to decide whether it was me dumping him or d other way around since it was me who was all tears. why?? i really have no idea.

it wasnt really planned. i never meant for it to happen that day, but when we were on the fon and he asked me if i still wanted him(its a long story how we actually got there), i just couldnt answer him. i had to do it, i didnt want to lie to him. so i did.

when i finally got him to understand what i was trying to tell him all along despite my really shaky voice, he decided to end the conversation.

so anyway, if i continue narrating it this way it would seem like a story with a happy ending. i wish it does, but just like any girl at my age, i seem to understand that "stories with happy endings are simply stories that hasnt ended yet."-Mrs. Smith. i was really disapointed when he let it go that easy. he didnt even argued considering that my reason was really not that big a deal(some days i think it is but some days i dont). the next morning he waked me up with a really early text msg asking if i could go out. turns out he was outside my house waiting with a yellowcab pizza with Sorry written on it with mm's. he asked if he could join me and fufu to a movie and i said yeah. i couldnt let im in since my anti-filipino bro was up and so was my marry-only-chinese dad so he had to wait at the nearest mcdonalds while i fixed myself.

that day ended just fine. he actually did the things i wanted him to. but for sum reason i am just not contented. hindi pa rin kami but he seem to think that we are, and i cant even tell him that we arent. there are moments when i think well do just fine but whenver i hear my friends comments about him, i couldnt help thinking "onga noh?? bat d ko napansin un??". no offense guys, i appreciate your concern, if he cant please my friends then there must be realy something wrong with him. so dont hesitate to tell me everything. but how come it seems ok with me?? yesterday i was totaly ok and now im actually thinking of ways of getting rid of him again. frances must be right after all. i am so not ready to be in a relationship. she said all i wanted was a trophy. someone to play along with. i actually thought i was over that.

My heart belongs to you
So what could I do
To make you feel I'm down with
You see me hangin around
But you don't know how to make me feel for you, and

Each and every day, I try to make some sense of this
What you mean to me, I know it could be serious
Each and every nite, I dream about just holding you
Loving you like this, what is a girl supposed to do

i know dis would be the lousiest reason to dump sum1, but i cant help but feel like im actually selling myself short when im with him. hindi naman ako desperado. but for sum reason im actually having a hard time deciding whether or not i should end this. its just keeps on bothering me as to why of all the people, he has to be the one who cannot treat me the way im treated by my mom, jonas, jason and my brother, in short, spoiled. i dont even want to imagin wat it would be like presenting him to my uberly materialistic high skul pals, i just know dey would criticiz every single thing he does. or does not do.

hving this really imature fight wt him makes me want to end it more. its like we will never have a decent talk without arguments. hes actually not talking to me just because i went bra shopping with jonas, whom i made very clear to him was my very close friend. and still he decided to sleep on it.

i never tot i would say dis, but im actually getting tired of this.