for not caring...

                 Asshole.

at least give me a heads up so i know better than to waste my time thinking about you.

you inconsiderate bitch.

well at least now you're on AIM, i know you're still alive and can get some rest.

way to be a jerk.

today in the office (i've sorted the tweets in chronological order):

what's sad is that the first quote i was being completely serious.

came home at 3pm today, turned on john mayer's live album, and became a useless mush in bed. no planning, no thinking, no actions. just laying there. it was wonderfully liberating.

When I was younger, I had a total "me against the world" attitude. I used to think the most admirable thing to do was to do something by yourself - the lone programmer creating a beautiful application. I've always been a lone wolf by nature, so this appealed to me.

I can safely say my feelings on this have changed greatly. I now think the most admirable position is one where you're able to amplify your ideas and execute through a large group to be much harder (and rarer). Vision guides both type of people - but the lone wolf has the lesser burden of not having to communicate and coordinate. To succeed with a team, you need to be able to share the vision with others and inspire them to work. And if the team isn't as technically capable as yourself, then you need to teach (or work around) ... how much more noble is it to raise the people around you instead of just yourself?

That's not to say that design by consensus is the best solution - I am still a huge proponent of one voice speaking (I have some issues with the whole notion of "Wisdom of Crowds" - I believe big crowds tend to make the safe, mediocre choice, rather than the risky bet with the vision) ... but I definitely think that people out there, who think they can make it big by themselves, take another look.

I know this mentality is what sunk me with Tabulas & Audiomatch. I'm beginning to see now how beneficial it would have been if I hadn't taken things so lightly and for granted.

ooh, i got totally internet burned today. i added somebody from my carolina days as a friend on facebook (cleaning out some old stuff, i found a card, which reminded me of this particular person). i got an email confirmation saying we were friends ... but when i clicked the link, it said we weren't friends anymore.

total burn! super sad panda time.

Every once in a while, I'll go on a massive cleaning spree. Inevitably, the cleanup dredges up old Christmas cards, photos, and memories ... and the cleanup ends up taking a week longer than expected. My place is currently a mess of books, photos, and clothes strewn all over the place.

When I was younger, I didn't care too much for cards - I thought they were pretty hokey. But man, am I glad I kept them around. It's amazing how many people cared and supported me through my life: I had a massive guilt trip as I realized I let so many of these people go in my life. So many people keep sending me Christmas cards, when I fail to do so. Maybe I'll pre-empt them with Thanksgiving cards (and skip the Christmas cards) this year (we'll see how long this feeling lasts).

Anyways, I want to send out (into the Internet void) some positive karma for all my past friends who send me postcards, cards, and photos. They are truly cherished by an older me.

To be honest, I don't think I've ever had that ah-ha! moment when it comes to the internet. Although the past 6 years worth of entries are on this site, I just don't get that same feeling as I do with these mementos. That has to say something about the Internet.

damien told me to check out the new kanye single. holy kanye, it's amazing.

i'm not lovin' you, the way I wanted to
what I had to do, had to run from you
i'm in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
and that haunted me, all the way home

so ya never know, never never know
never know enough, 'till it's over love
'till we lose control, system overload
screamin' no no no, no no

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
see I wanna move, but can't escape from you
so i keep it low, keep a secret code
so everybody else dont have to know

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
you keep ya love locked down, you lose

i'm not lovin you, the way i wanted to
i can't keep my cool, so i keep it true
i got something to lose, so i gotta move
i can't keep myself, and still keep you too
so i keep in mind, when i'm on my own
somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
how many times did it take 'till I finally got through
you lose, you lose

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
see i had to go, see i had to go
no more wasting time, we can't wait for life
which is wasting time, where's the finish line

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
you keep ya love locked down, you lose

i'm not lovin you, the way i wanted to
i met no one new, i got no one new
no i said i'm through, but got love for you
but i'm not loving you, the way i wanted to
gotta keep it going, keep the loving going
keep it on a roll, only god knows
am i into you, baby i'm confused
you choose, you choose

i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to
way i want to go, i dont need you
i been on this road, too many times before
i ain't lovin you, the way i wanted to

so keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
keepin ya love locked down, you lose...

this song reminded me of a pretty bad situation back from CH ... long-time readers will be reminded of the "jack & jill" episodes - my whole situation with jill seems to be captured in this song. looking back, i was such an indecisive weakling. i should have just asked her straight-up, instead of dancing around the topic.

oh the things you learn. speaking of personal growth, i really feel like i've matured significantly since moving here. it's funny, cause i thought the absence of personal connections and relationships would really hamper that growth. i guess i found what i needed my job.

my mom said i should be careful and not care so much about my coworkers (she was surprised at what lengths i went to cover a couple coworkers) ... maybe my yearning to feel some sort of human connection has twisted things in some weird fashion and made me a more caring coworker. weird.

a lot of personal things (not work-related, for once!) have been running through my mind lately. for the most part, i think i made the right decisions in not pursuing social relationships over the past year and a half ... but i have to say that there does feel like a huge gaping hole in my life.

i have to say though, for the first time in a long time, i just feel a ton more positivity in my life. i know the next few months will be hell-ish (to say the least), but i'm feeling really good about it.

+ Monday, September 29, 2008

+ Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Didn't work today.

+ Wednesday, October 1, 2008 (Human Sexuality Exam)

+ Thursday, October 2, 2008 (Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships Exam)
Due to sleeping at 5am, I woke up at 10:40am, missing work in the morning (I was supposed to work from 8:30-11am).

First LEAD meeting 5-6:30pm (every thursday for 6 or 7 weeks).

+ Friday, October 3, 2008 (Consumer Behavior Exam)
Exhausted... Didn't study so much for this class. I hope I did ok.
Considering signing up for breast cancer or other awareness walks.

Headed home -worked for my brother from 10pm-3am. He told me he broke even so that's good. I was very happy to arrive home because it was clean (which is surprising) and rather refreshing to come back to see the ones I love <3. Then I prayed to God and I thanked him for my family, the house, my education, my room, my boyfriend, my friends, the clean state of the house, how lucky I was and how blessed I am. Then I slept.

+ Saturday, October 4, 2008
Need to study for Investments Exam on Monday. Ordered book for class. Booked ticket home for tomorrow. I hope I can catch the bus at 3. 

+ Sunday, October 5, 2008
Teeth cleaning at 1:30pm.

*edit*
ended up getting an earlier teeth cleaning and eating some rice noodles with my father before I headed back on the bus and I did manage to get on the 3 o'clock bus where I met this lovely gentleman who was very happy to catch the earlier bus (he didn't realize that there was a 3 o'clock bus and he happened to meet Barbara Walters and eat lunch with her -later on I realized he was a French professor at UMass and Brown and he a journalist for a french paper -his name is Mel)