Everyday is a different story.

 

 

 

if only moving on can be done by clicking away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i may be the unluckiest, not to mention most cynical, person ever when it comes to love. it could be for the dumbest decisions or perhaps the most unfortunate situations. either way, love is not really my cup of tea.



it's been weeks.
i've told people, and most of all myself, that i have moved on. and i am okay, thankyouverymuch. i guess that's all there is when i am too busy, i am okay.

in the past month or so, i did nothing but pay attention to a lot of things and do every job i can just so i won't have even a second to entertain my thoughts of him. and it was pretty much successful, to say the least. i managed to last days without even checking my cellphone if ever he sent a message.

but that was all but a show. deep inside, i'm secretly haunted by my own self. i don't know anyone who can tell that on top of all the tasks i have to accomplish, i am praying i see him. or at least that he sees me. pathetic child.




i am going nowhere.
my mind is in a blur and i seem to be getting lost in my own thoughts.

and i need a way out. help.




as much as i hate to admit it, i have not yet moved on and i am very much far away from that process. i am lost and i refuse to move yet. i have no idea why but here i am still holding on.

i wish. i hope. i pray.
someday.


you say you still have her. i believe otherwise. no one knows if she's the right one for you, nor am i saying that i am the right one.

that's why i'll wait.
please tell me i'm going to have my someday.




~~~

if we're not meant to be,

"this must be the most difficult and painful situation any girl would be put in: 'i am the girl he loves....

but not the girl he's committed to...'"

~~~

he wiped away my tears when no one heard me cry. he comforted me when no one cared. he cheered for me to go on on the day i felt like a nobody. he made me laugh on days the world was so dull. he misses me so much more than others did. he made me feel loved when i thought i was alone.

on the other hand....

i listened to him when he's sad. i laugh at his corny nonsense jokes. i give it my best shot when he needs help. i miss him more than he misses me. i love him.

~~~

i was busy with my own world back then until he came along and to cut the story short, i fell for him. nothing really changed. nothing really happened. i just prayed he felt the same way.

and for a time, i guess he did. or so i thought.

 

we haven't spoken for more than a week now except for that one incident when i asked him to give something for a friend. and that was it.

i learned that day that he's still in a relationship with some girl that his friends refer to as the "imaginary girlfriend." and just today, someone told me that they're still together. for two years now. yes, it hurts.

 

it hurts so bad that tears can't stop falling. i dunno why. it's not like i love him so much. but i guess it's all because he has a girlfriend, i'm just a friend, and he was my imaginary boyfriend.

 

~~~

 

tip #1:

know him/her.. baka naghahanap lang siya ng kalinga habang hindi sila okay ng "jowa" nya..

 

tip #2:

mag-ingat sa mga PA-SWEET.. naku po!! dami nyan! wag magpapagoyo sa mga "pa-fall" na mga taong ito..

 

tip #3:

know something bout their past.. malay mo isa ito sa kanyang mga "revenge"

 

tip #4:

know your status.. dahil hindi sa lahat ng oras kailangan ng "relasyon!"

 

tip #5:

control your feelings, suppress if necessary.. dahil "hindi lahat ng maganda sa pakiramdam, tama"

oh-kay.

 

christmas break technically started last friday and i've been doing nothing but bum around. i've managed to "clean up" my hard disk, i've uploaded in my multiply at least a fraction of the i-don't-know-how-many pictures i have in my computer, i've managed to download around 8gb of mp3s to replace the oh-so-loved sounds i lost a few months back, i've even managed to deposit money in my bank account.

it's my vacation and i'm still doing a lot. sheesh.

anyhoo. it's less than ten days til christmas and last saturday my friends and i went to divisoria to do a little shopping.

we came, we saw, we conquered a little.

anyway. my friends have been having a hard time finding me a gift. i dunno why. even i have found it hard to give them gift suggestions on what to get me. i think it's because i'm way too easy to please. or because there really are some things i want but i'd rather not ask them for it since it's a bit out of their budgets. or maybe i don't really want anything that comes in a box.

here i go again. i have no idea what do i really want. but then...

among my suggestions are:

• a giraffe/dolphin/tiger/panda/penguin stuffed animal
• a jester hat with NICE colors
• a traffic cone
• rainbow colored pencils
• a year's supply of jolly rancher
• those reva sneakers... (i dunno the model)
• that blue magic giraffe puppet
• an artwork shirt
• a 1gb pro stick
• a year's supply of blank cd-r's
• the complete lemony snicket book series
• friends cookbook
• cheesecake
• the 2008 gonuts donuts disorganizer
• a cookie monster stuffed toy
• a nokia 5310
  

i'm lazy to write the other stuff i want. haha. anyhoo. here's what i wrote on my wish list last year:

• anything on this site.
  
• an adidas gid or finale spotivo soccer ball
• a sony ericsson k800
• my soundtrack of the year <---it's out tomorrow.
  
• any ever-reliable digital camera
• a sudoku handheld game <--i got one for Php300 last january or feb and now i can't find it here in the house.
  
• a spongebob plug-n-play game
• a one-year subscription for entrepreneur magazine
• any murakami book.
• a pair of skechers feature - highlights
• about three new bootcut pants from penshoppe
• any toy from hobbes.
• a bottle of clinique happy or happy heart or happy to be
• dvd copies of movies found here
• comics found here
• a new mp3 player (mine got broken about six months ago) <--this is getting on my nerves.
  
• a portable dvd player (or get the one i have fixed) <---it's still not fixed. haha too lazy.
  
• an out of town vacation
• a new headset for my k700i
• the oc mobile game for my k7 <---got bored with it after a day of playing it.
  
• a family computer
• a year's supply of transfer paper
• a new bag from rustan's
• a pillow <---mamy vhe gave me one. =)
  
• plane tickets to hongkong or brunei or macau. gawd i miss those places.
• a bottle of any alcoholic drink <---i figured i just have to buy me one of these any time i want.
  
• the sims 2 for the pc

 gahd. i do want a lot of things.

mahal mo lang ako kapag may kailangan ka; mahal lang kita kapag tumutugtog ka ng gitara.

ang gago namin noh?

 

~~~

sometimes people become way too bitter with love. i dunno why. i guess it's either because they never got whatever it is that they wanted or simply because they got hurt so much that they find it impossible to accept the truth-slash-reality.

i admit i am bitter.

there. i've said it. you happy? of course you are. you must be jumping for joy because you know he's all yours even if it was me that was right in front of him all along for the past year and a half. because of you, i became nothing to him. and as for my cherry on top, you have to rub it in my face every single day that we meet.

but on the bright side.

he calls my name whenever he's sad and whenever something bothers him. he cares. he laughs at my child-like antics. he appreciates the littlest sweet nothings i do. he is still my friend.

and that's what makes the bitterness subside.

~~~

in a random daily conversation with my blockmate mother, i told her i still love him. and probably will always do. the only difference is, that love is just on a platonic level now. nothing more. mamy was shocked and pointed out it doesn't go from intimate to platonic in just a snap. in my defense, i said, "we were very good friends before love came in, which makes it easy for us. it's all a matter of saving friendship over some stupid infatuation."

and now i've come to realize i've finally moved on and accepted that things aren't meant to be. i'm no longer bitter.

he's yours. please don't get mad at him if you see a smile on his face because of me. it's just that we've become good friends over the past year that it's hard not to do things that might make you jealous. i love him as my friend and i know he loves you very much, his girlfriend. please do take good care of him.

~~~

mahal mo ako kasi friend mo ako. mahal kita kasi friend kita.

makes sense, right?

yep. love does hurt. i'm still recovering from a semester's worth of academic and non-academic chaos so please don't mind whatever it is i'm blabbing of right now. sometimes, the most sensible blog entries just struck you like lightning and you just have to write it down as soon as possible, regardless of your grammar and all that crap.

 

i got this from a movie. when someone told me "ang sakit."

 

"masakit kasi masaya na ako pag nakikita si eric, masaya na ako pag nahahawakan ko kahit yung upos lang ng yosi nya, halos mamatay na ako sa kilig, masaya na ako dun. Kaya lang dumating sa punto na mapalapit ako sa pangarap ko, na kayang kaya ko na sya abutin, akala ko mamahalin nya ako. kaya masakit. kasi mahal ko."

-rezette, akala mo

 

~~~

shucks. tagalog pala yun. 

 

something for my mamy.