Mind Whispers

 this one gave me the creeps it's nice to know im not the only one who has this.

 The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

i havent written anything in ages a part of me feels i am deteriorating.i am deteriorating.a lot has happened recently, that's a given.i think that too much drama in life made me silly and shallow. like that protective coat of paint u do on that dilapidated wall. it would make it pretty but it's still crumbling down on the insides and people would say  in awe "what a pretty wall!" and in turn it would just collapse on them.hahah! i am being silly.i miss writing.

i wonder if someone is really out there... someone who could see beyond the silly coating and appreciate the deteriorating dilapidated wall...

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the saddest part about justification:

the very thing youre trying to justify is an adamant truth.no amount of justification could change it.

it would still hurt...

like how the big beautiful sun will always hide the lonesome brooding moon at day...justifying that the sun gives light and life to earth doesnt make it fair...

 

like how the moon will always be small and shimmering but would never be as big and bright like the sun... its unperturbed unappreciated beauty revered by few wont justify that either...

like how your small world will always revolve around the sun...

unalterable...

changeless...

like how the inconspicuous moon will always revolve around the earth...

silent...

enduring...

hoping and living for that glorious fleeting moment of solar eclipse...where she, the inconsequential melancholic moon, for once in her meager meaningless existence, would over shadow the big powerful sun.

 

 

but at the end of the day...

the moon will always be the moon and the sun will always be the sun...

c'est la vie.

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i am not a pitiful ersatz..

im someone you could touch and feel...

i am warm and im breathing...

visible...

flawed...

i am real.

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the opaque glass has cleared i guess i've always known what that is. it has always been like that

the sun will always be the sun, the earth will always be the earth... and the moon will always be the moon...

but the moon changes shapes...sometimes it even disappears.

Pluto became a dwarf planet...

Pluto is a double system, with its "moon" Charon, and the revolve around each other while they're revolving around the Sun..

it is also not on the same orbital plane as the rest of the planets, and it does not have enough gravitational force to clear its orbital path...

imperfect...flawed...not in conformity...

with these kind of changes and inconsistencies inspite of the well established facts....

who knows..

the moon might become a planet someday

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i have always admired those people who perpetually have flocks of friends that surround them that never seem to ran out. they are not the bossy types. theyre just the nice type who seem to have an invisible friend magnet attached to their personality. i never had that kind of magnet. if i ever had one that would be the "im-married-and im-an-asshole" kind. i met quite a few of this nice people that had significantly affected and changed my life.

one of my roomates has that kind of magnetism. it emanates from her so effortlessly that she's unaware of it. she's the person that has no single flaw i can think of, no matter how hard i rack my brain.well except the terrible mood swings and hilariously surprising weirdness that i can actually understand and relate with. (she wants all the people attending her 22nd birthday to wear party hats.she's dead serious about it)

she's too nice that you can never say a bad thing about her but she's bitchy enough that you can be sure she's pretty normal.she looks beyond appearances and can actually see right thru you and definitely one of the people who made me know what genuine concern feels like. that's not an easy feat since im not exactly an easy person to get along with, as hard as i endeavored to work on it.

why am i writing this? she's leaving our dormitory. she might not know about this but she's one of the people, if not the only person, that i look forward going home to after a long day in school. i got attached to her that way.

 this is exactly the reason i dont want to get close to anyone anymore. letting go has never been my forte.

i have always thought that the first heartbreak was the most difficult to get over with. i was wrong.  each time we learn to trust someone, we give them a little something from ourselves that we can never take back. the first time i had my taste of a heartbreak, i was more than devastated.  i vividly remember the feeling of poignant hopelesness and bitterness. waking up during the wee hours of the morning and crying with intense remorse and self hatred had become a loathesome perfunctory routine.  the worst part is, i have to feign being happy and perky during the day. after awhile, i have learned to survive. i tried to make myself busy and  i decided to work while studying. i was beyond exhausted. but nevetheless distracted. i also switched dormitories which helped. new faces, new friends, a new beginning, atleast that was what i was trying to do. it took me 2 years to finally make peace with an unpleasant past. from a crybaby i turned into a cynic, into a resigned distrustful realist. i have trully accepted the fact that not everyone has a clean slate.

my intense distrust serving as barrier, a formidable self defense, i have formed my resolve that i wont let anyone cause me that much misery and that i wont subject myself to that kind of pain anymore.

but then again, sometimes when u least expect it, a very unlikey person would let u take a glimpse of what you have always wanted. a tiny bud of hope would blossom into something that you know you should have had nipped at the very start but  just couldnt. i began to dream. i began to hope. i began to believe in promises...promises that i have always wanted to hear. i conjured a remarkable albeit idealistic image of mutual respect, fidelity and something stable to hold on to.my dwindling faith in men was restored miraculously. i was deluded into thinking that there is indeed someone different out there. i was dead wrong. i should have had listened to the incessant warning bells going off irritatingly inside my head.i should have had known that something as utopian and inane as that notion is such a  farfetched illusion. i should have had trusted my instincts. i should have had...i should have had....

at some point i even wanted that someone to be the last one. maybe he is the last one.i hope he is.

the first heartbreak was indeed unforgettable. the 2nd is worse.it's worse because whatever hope i had gradually dissolved into something distasteful. it hurted me more than i had expected.maybe because i know that it could have turned into something wonderful and pleasant and yet it transformed into a nightmare, the very thing i was trying my damnest to avoid. im one if those people who would always believe that things happen for a reason and that you would always learn something from each and every person you meet. atleast i have learned something. there is indeed no space for regrets.

we get hurt when we let people hurt us.

for all my craziness and my innate tendency to impulsively react without so much of a thought, i have always dreamed that someone would stay. some people would look for someone who is almost perfect. like a young girl who wants a matured faithful guy without any attachment. or a matured guy who wants a young girl (or atleast the  body of a young girl) but wants that girl to have the intellect of a seasoned woman(more like a courtesan). we seem to be looking for something extra than most people could offer us.we then fail to realize that no matter how seemingly perfect someone is, there is always a flaw and it is up to us whether to overlook that flaw in exchange of what the other person could offer. it's all about acceptance and contentment. happiness and security would be enough for me to stay. for some it would be a lot more. alot more...

sad thing is, when they go searching for that little extra something, they neglect to see that sometimes, the very thing they are looking for is right in front of them and that they let it pass because of this preposterous notion that they would be able to find a greener pasture, an imaginary one at that....the thought seriously broke my heart.

im blessed with this inherent ability to dig up optimism from a well that  never seem to run dry.with that optimism comes the logic that would always keep me grounded and safe.i would get thru whatever difficulties i am having right now. that, im pretty much sure. i know that i would have to make gargantuan effort to trust again. and it would take alot more than mere sweet words to make my supposedly well guarded emotions turn into a chaotic ludicrous wreck.

never again...

a lesson well learned.

thank YOU  

 

 

Do you wanna runaway together
I would say it was your best line... ever
Too bad I fell for it
And I walked along
Waiting for you to come along
Take my tortured heart by the hand
And write me off

Do you know I cry
Do you know I die
Do you know I cry
And It's not the good kind

Oh you forced me to become strong
When I just craved being weak
And you think you know
And I would like to think so
But do you know that when you go
I fall apart

Do you know I cry
Do you know I die
Do you know I cry
And It's not the good kind

No you're not the good kind

I'm tired of hiding
Behind these lying eyes
How I'm tired of this smile
That even I don't recognize

Do you know I cry
Do you know I die
Do you know I cry
And It's not the good kind

Do you know I cry
Do you know I die
Do you know I cry
And It's not the good kind

No your not the good kind x2

Do You know I cry

experiences can shape one's frame of mind and guide them how to deal with certain situations. i took the self preservation path inspite of it all. but sometimes, it makes we wonder, if i'll step on the wilder side and throw inhibitions away, maybe i could be happier.happier in the sense that the more mistakes i make, the more risks i take....the more immune and apathetic i could be to hurt. i admire those people who can be like that.

i know a 24 year old girl(a very beautiful, smart and successful girl at that)  who's having a very physical affair with a married guy. a good for nothing married guy. i can vouch for that. the weirdest thing is....they seem happy. cant the girl see that he's just using her? cant the guy see that what theyre doing can break his whole family? but then again, they seem happy. 

maybe i can be that happy too....maybe if im that experienced, i'll know how to deal with everything when the next good guy comes along.kissing a thousand frogs might not be all for naught after all.

but i am not like that...i have always thought that if someone really wants or likes you enough, everything would work out...every thing would fall into pieces... pieces of puzzle perfectly fitted together.the feeling of frustration wouldnt be there. the feeling of incompetence, embarrassment and stupidity would not be present...IF THAT SOMEONE WANTS OR LIKES YOU ENOUGH...if...

as for now, i  wont hold my breath. i'll just take things as they are and wont force something that's not meant to be. i think there's enough embarrassment on my part that could last for the next 30 years.

but there would still be a tiny bud of hope.

nevertheless, i have putted the pieces all together.

 

today something happened that served as a wake up call. what i would do for someone out of friendship and affection finally made me feel silly. (and look stupid) but i guess that's who i am. my willing-to-please-to-be-well-liked attitude is as attached to my character as the head on my shoulder. i just wish i could be less eager-to-please and do things like what a normal person would.

slept at 1am and woke up at 6am. i will head back now to my room and study like what i had originally planned. i know i havent updated this blog in ages. i am THAT busy. and i rarely go online.

have a great day everyone.

by the way, ate mec, thanks for the texts messages the other night. you had no idea how you helped me.

contemplating about chopping my hair off...i have had my hair this long for a year already...

sometimes letting go of things that used to be beautiful but became surprisingly burdening in the long run is a welcome change