Posted by risingphoenix101 at 09:26 PM on January 12, 2007 as a stickied post.

 

To see a World in a grain of Sand and Heaven in a wildflower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour... 

- William Blake

 

Ikalawang Ani

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 09:51 AM on September 5, 2007.

Sa ikalawang pagkakataon muling napabilang ang ilan sa aking mga tula sa ilalabas na Literary Journal ng CCP.  Napabilang din ang ilan sa mga kakilala at kaibigang manunulat mula sa Pinoypoets at LIRA. Ito ang detalye mula sa Daily Tribune

CCP’s Ani marks 20th anniversary

Ani, the Cultural Center of the Philippines’ (CCP) literary yearbook, marks its 20th anniversary with the launching of its nature and environment issue (Ani 33) on Sept. 14, 6:30 p.m., at the CCP Main Theater Ramp.

Ani is one of the longest surviving national literary journals/publications in the Philippines. Ani contains poems, fiction and essays in the different Philippine languages, with translations in Filipino and English. It also features translation into Filipino of award-winning contemporary works from the regions and includes a folio of reportage on CCP Literary Division’s activities.

“Ani continues to serve as the outlet of literary works which would otherwise not find the light of print in national publications the literary section of which was fast disappearing. Ani also continues to enlarge the body of literary works, especially the regional, not only for teaching purposes, but also, and more importantly, for the development of a national literature,” Hermie Beltran, Ani editor and director of the CCP Literary Arts division, said.

According to Beltran’s introduction to the new Ani 33, the volume explores anew nature and environment as metaphors of the human condition. “Every issue of Ani explores a theme not necessarily new, but always creatively. Writers are encouraged to look again at a theme or experience that may not be new. This always results in new insights…writers were able to produce new works dealing with humans’ relationship to their environment, “ Beltran added.

Ani 33 includes poems, short stories, essays, translations and a play by 77 contributors, namely, Jose Marte A. Abueg, Merlie M. Alunan, Alexander Barrios Agena Jr., Mark Angeles, Billy T. Antonio, G. Mae Aquino, Carlos A. Arejola, Bryan Mari Argos, Mesandel Virtusio Arguelles, Genevieve L. Asenjo, Abdon M. Balde Jr., Archie Barcelona, Gil S. Beltran, Herminio S. Beltran Jr., Ramon M. Bernardo, Kristoffer Berse, Hazel E. Caasi, Raymond Calbay, Nonon Villaluz Carandang, Ravelth B. Castro, Dexter Bomediano Cayanes, Jose Jason L. Chancoco, Kristian S. Cordero, Soledad B. Corong, Genaro R. Gojo Cruz, Mario L. Cuezon, Inez Ponce de Leon, Ayn Frances dela Cruz, Maureen Gaddi dela Cruz, Rodrigo V. dela Peña Jr., Dennis Espada, Filipino L. Estacio, Raul Funilas, Jeneen R. Garcia, Luis P. Gatmaitan, Fernando R. Gonzalez, Gelacio Y. Guillermo Jr., Sid Gomez Hildawa, Tala Isla-Contreras, Ferdinand Pisigan Jarin, Marne L. Kilates, Erwin C. Lareza, Nestor Lucena, Maricristh T. Magaling, Niño Manaog, Gutierrez Mangansakan II, Perry C. Mangilaya, Noahlyn Maranan, Pia Marquez-Matic, Glenn Sevilla Mas, Marcel L. Milliam, Francisco Arias Monteseña, Victor Dennis Tino Nierva, Emma S. Orozco, Voltaire Q. Oyzon, Chuckberry J. Pascual, Emman Pascual, Zosimo Quibilan Jr., Betty Regala, Raymund P. Reyes, Elyrah Loyola Salanga, Romel G. Samson, Soliman Agulto Santos, Fely M. Senido, Rakki E. Sison-Buban, Beverly Siy, Emeniano Acain Somoza Jr., Dolores R. Taylan, John Iremil E. Teodoro, Kathline Tolosa, Christian Tordecillas, Enrico C. Torralba, Ma. Georgina J. Verdolaga, Santiago B. Villafania, Camilo M. Villanueva Jr. and Rosemarie Medina Ydia.

Book design and layout are by Rommel Manto, using a photograph of Junyee’s installation Angud for the cover, and a print, Inang Kalikasan, by Neil Doloricon.

Defining Moments

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 09:39 AM on August 10, 2007.

I

Maaga akong nakauwi kagabi at walang tao sa bahay pagdating ko.  Inasahang ko nang nasa Prayer meeting ang nanay ko gaya ng ilang mga huwebes na nagdaan. Nakahanda na ang pagkain ko sa lamesa.

Nakatutuwang isipin na nariyan pa rin ang nanay ko after all those years.  Isang taon na lang ay lagpas na sa kalendaryo ang edad ko pero pakiramdam ko, ako pa rin ang bunso niya.  Ipinaglalaba ng damit, ipinamamalantsa, ipinagluluto pagkain, ginigising tuwing umaga at higit sa lahat hindi niya nalilimutan na ipag-init ako ng tubig pampaligamgam ng paligo ko kada umaga.  Natitiyak ko kasama pa rin ako sa kaniyang ipnagdarasal sa mga oras na ito.

Sa mga malulungkot na araw ng aking buhay, minsan naiisip ko na parang walang saysay ang lahat.  Na parang walang matinong nangyayari sa takbo ng buhay ko; magulo ang lovelife, hindi ganun kafulfilling ang trabaho, madalas kapos ang budget.  Pero alam kong maling isipin na ganun. Right now what matters most is in front of me everyday. She has been the reason I kept going.  Sa akin siya umaasa.  Alam ko emotionally ako rin ang anchor niya.  Kapag may problema sa pamilya ako ang sumbungan niya.  Sa akin siya tumatakbo para kumuha ng tatag kahit ako, most of the times lalo na nitong nakaraang buong taon ay wala na ring natitirang tatag o tiwala sa sarili; Hindi niya alam iyon.  Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin.  Kailangang may manatiling matibay sa aming dalawa. Ako iyon.

Ilang oras bago ako umuwi habang naglalakad sa kahabaan ng Ayala Avenue kasama ang isang officemate ay bigla na lang niya akong tinanong. Sir kailian ka mag-aasawa?.  Hindi ko alam ang tamang sagot.  Mahabang paliwanagan lalo hindi nila ako gaanong kilala. Pero isang makatotohanang sagot ang naibigay ko.  Kapag namatay na siguro ang nanay ko.

Pero sa loob loob ko, kapag yumao na ang nanay ko, sana sumunod na rin agad ako sa kaniya.

II

Habang nasa biyahe ako palayo ng SM Bacoor, pauwi nakita ko ang banner sa may bus terminal. Jed Madela: Just Human Album Tour, August 11, 5PM.

Kinuha ko ang aking cell phone. Parang impulse na naisip kong itext agad ito sa isang dating kapwa tagahanga.

Tatlong taon din naming sinundan ang career ni Jed Madela.  Ilang club gigs, mall tours at concert ang pinanood.  Isesend ko na ang text message nang marealize ko na binura ko na pala ang number niya sa aking CP. I felt relieve.  It’s one of the reasons why I erased the number; those impulses. Those longings to do the usual things we do together but then there is no point to it all anymore and I don’t want to go down that road again. Besides I think I have outgrown Jed Madela or maybe not exactly him, just the associated memories.  My life has a new soundtrack now. I turn on my MP3 player, select a song and play it loud in my ears, 6Cyclemind. My mind in six cycles now.

III

Bumili ako ng roasted peanuts pagdating sa aming lugar. Walang tao sa bahay kaya makakapanuod ako ng DVD.

Ilang Linggo ko nang pinapanuod ang Complete Season ng Ally McBeal.  Natapos ko na ang season 1 and I have to say that I am totally influenced by it or shall I say changed by it. Maraming magagandang perspectives ang show. Marami akong natututunan sa weirdness ni Ally. Everything about her reflects who I am especially on dealing with emotions. Sa isang dialogue niya with Renee, her bestfriend:

Renée Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally...
Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong?
Renée Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it.
Ally McBeal: Oh, okay.
Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.

I guess we both are emotionally idiot but as always through the hard times she got good results.  Her emotions get her through the day and how she deal with it whether it’s on impulse or well thought of, she’s still able to deal with life and there is nothing more fulfilling than being yourself. I guess I am like her. We’re not afraid of emotions. We deal with it.

She said:

The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.

Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it.

At the end of the day, life is just this big wall of reality that we all crash into.

 ...there's more

69 Mole Talks

Spinning Around

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 09:27 AM on June 19, 2007.

The trip from Cavite to Makati has never been a dance routine up until today. EDSA literally glitters with pulsing strobe of traffic lights.  They are flashing into a dance tune. Kylie Minogue on the headphone and I, amidst party-packed crowd of passengers, is walking in rhythm.

 

Recalling that late night with a new set of friends singing in unison this sweetest sound of freedom, it’s almost dawn and everything else in me is dawning. On a clear day like this there isn’t any room for darkness.

 

It’s been months and everything seemed wrong. 

 

The Past is a ghost that haunted every corners and een the pock-mark of that room. We let the ghost in. It has turned it into a gloomy labyrinth of hide-and-seek.  Hiding and seeking of secrets. We played the game not just once but one too many times. 

 

Trust is never a ghost; it’s a tangible crystal that shatters when handled with abandon. That ghost breaks ours into thousand shards of light and the other half into fragments of darkness that settled all around us. We were left closed in. Entangled.

 

I kept myself inside lamenting. Cried until we we’re insane. I chose stay. I hang on the light that I saw glimmering in the corner of the window.  Later I realize the light wasn’t from the inside. It was from the outside, somewhere else. A thousand times and more you have shown the way out. I insisted to stay. There is a light, always a light that’s reflecting in your eyes.  I beleived in that. But the wasn't from your eyes, it was from behind me. I had to turn around to see it. And you were right taht I have to leave and seize that light.

 

It wasn’t over until Kylie Minogue sing. Today, EDSA is dancefloor and I’m spinning around, move out of my way.

 

Spinning Around
Kylie Minogue

Kylie Minogue

Spinning around
Oooh-oh

* I'm spinning around
Move out of my way
I know you're feeling me 'cuz you like it like this
I'm breaking it down
I'm not the same
I know you're feeling me 'cuz you like it like this

Clearing this house out of joy that I borrowed
From back in the day
Threw away my old clothes
Got myself a better wardrobe
I got something to say

I'm through with the past
Ain't no point in looking back
The future will be
And did I forget to mention that I found a new direction
And it leads back to me?

*

Mistakes that I made giving me the strength
To really believe
And no matter how I take it
There's no way i'm gonna fake it 'cuz it's gotta be real

I've got nothing left to hide
No reason left to cry
'Cuz the truth's given me a new freedom inside
Getting rid of my desire
Do you like what you see?

*

Ooh-oh baby, baby, baby
You know you like it like this
Ooh-oh baby, baby, baby
You know you like it like this
Ooh-oh baby, baby, baby

*

Oh, I'm not the same
You like it like this
Ooh-oh

 

Inside The Room Of Your Souls

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 04:45 PM on May 30, 2007.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are quite expressive and thoughtful. You see the world in a way that others are blind to. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. Your feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

At the closing hour of the bargain

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 11:07 AM on May 25, 2007.

The footfalls of the day are fading.
The traces are leaving, if there exists,
are the taints on the floor like ripples
on windblown sand and thumb motes
on my skin of shoppers who never purchase.

Scents linger and humidity settles.
Everything is heavier now
even the floor reacts
on the last shadow’s gravity
like needle pricks against its skin.

I watch the departure
and recall the hours.
Hand warmth imprinted like passages
captured in the vacuum pack of my body,
my stuffed fur.

This day settles slow
like the flickers of the light
as the last open door closes. Silence
fits itself into my shelf, the only buyer
who settles for the least price I am offered.

What Is It About Journey

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 09:33 AM on May 4, 2007.

What is it about journey that I need to understand?

What is it about being somewhere else and moving on I find hard to comprehend?  Aren't we all looking for permanence? Aren't we all, when on our journey, longing to be home? To be right exactly where we are? 

That proverbial journey.  The need to be always somewhere else I still fail to understand it. I don’t know journey at all. 

Maybe because I don’t want to be somewhere else.  Maybe because “somewhere else” is the destination and not the journey itself and I don’t have mind set to it?  Maybe because when I am on a journey, all I have in mind is permanence.  Permanence is my home and home is that something we carry along with us wherever we go. It is what keeps us moving.  Not moving to be somewhere, but moving towards an inevitable destination. That is to be back home, always at the day’s end. Always at the day’s end.

 __________________________________

An excerpt from Jann Arden's Journal

“ ...The world frustrates all of us. It seems so dismal and pointless some days that it just weighs you down. Personally, for the most part, I just walk around in piles of white clouds, I do. The pointlessness seems important in the big scheme of things. All the things that we don't understand, that make us better than we are, for whatever reason. We are not to know of every little miracle. Not everything is finite. Not everything is answerable. Not everything can be explained away. Not everything makes sense.

Thankfully, most things are just lovely happenings that make our humanity such a wonderful exercise. Our souls are soaking up every little nuance. We take in things we are so not aware of. Millions of thoughts that come and go through our brains and hearts, all noticed, but not labeled and compartmentalized. They all shape our personalities and our ability to be empathic. The beautiful poet "Rilke” often writes about being here on the planet. That to be here, "only once", is in and of itself so blessed. Just once. To live simply and not always be dwelling on where we are going from here, if indeed it is anywhere at all. That "this" is wonderful and perfect and full of light. I want to be more like that. I want to quit worrying about where I am going and being just where I am. It sounds like a giant cliché, but it's quite simply the truth of all that matters...”

All of This
Jann Arden

 

Getting used to getting used to

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 11:30 AM on April 18, 2007.

Some days you wake up cold.  Like all the warmth in your body receded. It’s a sort of hypothermia, only it isn’t your body that’s cold but your feelings. The certain warmth that usually perks you up each morning, enough for you to be excited and anticipating suddenly is missing. Perhaps dream stole it away and taken it somewhere you can never find again. Dreams rarely repeat itself in succession so you’re certain that the warmth will be gone for a long time; if it ever comes back again. Rarely, warmth is ever the same. So, that once familiar glow will be lost forever. It’s irreplaceable. The truth is; dreams never take away anything from us, circumstances do.

Circumstances. Sometimes I think they are cold, emotionless, ruthless and with complete disregard of what we truly feel. They are not human at all. They just happen. Often times without a warning. You just woke up one day with a new set of saddening experiences.  Right in front of you is a situation you never saw coming. Not even a precognition of some sort that your life will be on a detour or will be derailed. You wouldn’t know what to do. But maybe there are signs. Maybe, we human beings are just blindsided.  We choose to see only those we want to perceive. Present circumstances are brought about by circumstances in the past. Life is a series of events that continuously reel until it reaches its final frame; consequences after another. Why then do we always get caught surprised? No matter what we do, we just can’t and won’t be able to prepare. Preparation is for a planned event and life is never a planned event, it hardly is.

Ending of a relationship is one of those circumstances. Missing the one you love and crying over them for days and sleepless nights is yet another. Moving on is still another. Getting used to being alone again is another of those anothers. Facing these circumstances is like getting used to the cold, to the sudden rain that dampens your body leaving you soaking wet. Warmth is drawn away. You shiver endlessly like you’ll never feel warm again. Until the cold pierce right to your core and suddenly you get used to it. You got used to getting used to. And then you won’t complain anymore.  You won’t feel cold anymore because it’s cold enough in the inside. You just knew, on nights like these, you have to draw the blanket tighter onto your body until it becomes your second skin. You stay in bed fetal-positioned, embracing yourself, hoping to dream of the past, the happy ones the most.  Somehow wish that dream will take bitter circumstances away and wake you up to a better one. Who knows dream might just take it away.

Eventually you have to wake up and stop dreaming and yes some days you’ll wake up cold but once you’re used to it, it won’t hurt anymore. You just have to live it through. Maybe i will.

Currently listening to: I'll Be Okay, Amanda Marshall
Currently reading: The Hours (Screenplay)
Currently feeling: restless

1 Mole Talks

Frustration is a mousetrap

Posted by risingphoenix101 at 03:46 PM on April 16, 2007.

This is just one of them days.  Frustration is brushing his skin against mine softly, as if tenderly.

I can hear my own shivering. Sensation is moaning for release. My heart is squeaking like mice hiding on a cupboard. Muffling its own beat. Anticipating a chance to come out. Peaking out, peeping out, eager to taste the ambrosia a breath away from me. I am too afraid, too cautious. You are too precious to my touch but you are touching me. You are giving out the signs, a penchant to my desire.

You are there. Delectable skin against mine. Teasing taste. Breath is not breathing at all. The air is so tight. The space so small to contain desire; to contain you and I. You are bigger than I am. You’re feeding upon my desire.

 I am not releasing air. I am inhaling. Taking in the beautiful scent you are releasing. You are mine. Almost mine but not quite. You are for the gods. You are god. I am a mouse.