A Kiss Is Just A Kiss, Right?
POSTED AT 10:32 PM in Rantings

bella_azzurri

Just got back from the Bloc Party gig. We left before the encore to avoid the traffic getting out. It is a school night after all.

He picked me up in the afternoon and we drove to the venue, stopping to get sodas at a gas station, only to have them surrendered at the venue. Just so the bastards selling overpriced sodas inside can make a fortune. We sat in the sun for a while, talking, since the main act didn't come on til about 8pm or so. We had some drinks, a bit of dinner (ugh, gig fare never changes: disgusting) and then sat around talking and waiting.

We did hold hands for a bit, and as the sun set and it got a little windy, he pulled me close so I could stay warm, since my bolero jacket wasn't sufficient enough. He smelled nice.

When the main act came on we got up from the grass and headed closer to the stage. He stood behind with his arms around me, not letting go. I don't know if this is normal or not, I mean, it was crowded but we wouldn't have lost each other or anything. Not that I was complaining, it was very nice. Except when I wanted to do some booty-shaking to the music, it was a bit difficult. Sadly that is my only dancing forte but he was holding on quite firmly I didn't think it was wise to start gyrating to the music.

As we didn't hang around for the encore, we walked to the parking lot, trying to find the car. It was really nice just walking in the chill, holding hands.

He pulled up to my drive, I said thank you, I had a nice time. And we kissed. It was an awkward 2 second kiss. I felt more teeth than lips from him, I don't know why, I said I was sorry and laughed a bit, and he said, "Go on now!" almost like kicking me out. I have no idea what that was about but T-Boy assures me I shouldn't read into it, he was probably taking it slowly. After all, he did say we would talk soon. We'll see.

Currently feeling: tired

Crazy Night
POSTED AT 08:05 PM in Rantings

bella_azzurri

Yesterday... was nuts.

After work a colleague asked if I was coming along to the party in the building next door. Since it was basically an ambush I said I'd just come for a drink.

One turned into two, two turned into three, etc. I was so drunk and so was Claudia and her bf. Her cousin, not so much. We were trying to hook the cousin up, but we had a bit of trouble because she rejected every guy we pointed out! I was her wingwoman, and man, it's hard when she won't even speak to anyone haha.

Claudia's bf turned out to be a riot. He was hilarious and I'm glad Claudia didn't mind all the dodgy pictures we took, or the dirty dancing. She even joined in at one point and was totally into it!! Poor boy though, I think I was just too much for him with all my one-liners, but Claudia thought it was great that I was taking him down a notch.

Guess who I bumped into? Yep. I saw him earlier and texted him, and then he texted me much later to find me. Considering I was completely sloshed I am so glad I still had the sense not to go anywhere near his mouth, because I would so have played tonsil hockey then.

He disappeared for a while and my compadres wanted to leave, so I texted him saying it was too long to wait, we were going to have dinner.

Claudia's bf and I were totally singing Maroon 5's She Will Be Loved at the top of our lungs as we headed to dinner. She probably followed behind us facepalming. Such is when you tag along with exceedingly drunk (and loud) people.

He texted me all through dinner, and after I said goodbye to Claudia, her bf and Katie, we found each other. I had sobered up slightly and was thinking, oh god, I need to get my car out of the parking lot, oh god, I am so drunk I don't think I can drive.

I stumbled at one point and I felt his arms around me. Thank god I didn't turn around. His two friends were heading to another bar so I followed him. I asked if his friends were colleagues at work. He said yes.

That was when I totally freaked out and said, "Goodbye!" and walked away in the opposite direction. He wrote saying they weren't, and I think he wanted me to come back but by that time I was near my car, feeling sick as hell, and trying to figure out the safest way to get home without getting pulled over for a DUI. We kept texting each other all the way home, but I had a headache when I got home so I just left it at that.

This morning I woke up feeling horrified at what I'd done. I'd basically acted like a total psycho! I so wanted to text him but decided against it, instead going into work to retrieve the clothes I bought the day before, which I needed to get altered because I was wearing it to the gig he invited me to tomorrow.

Well, at least I hoped he wouldn't take it back. We saw each other at the lifts at lunchtime (before the chaos of the party) and he noticed I'd been shopping and I told him it was for clothes for Sunday. He was all, "And what's wrong with jeans and a t-shirt?" You have got to be kidding me.

While shopping, I received a missed call from him. I called back but no answer. He finally called and we talked. Thank god, he was totally cool about it and he was drunk as well. I apologised but he said it was okay. What did I do to deserve his forgiveness for being a psycho, I don't know, but thank you to all my guardian angels. His phone had died the night before and he lost his house keys as well, so I think he was going to spend today retracing his steps or something. He said he was going to figure out the logistics for tomorrow and give me a call.

I seriously thought I had screwed up but he was so sweet about it I felt better instantly. Anyway I hope to be better behaved tomorrow than last night, and no more sparkling wine for me unless there's food!

Currently listening to: Josh Groban - Caruso
Currently feeling: grateful

Tuesday's Better
POSTED AT 07:59 PM in Rantings

bella_azzurri

Yesterday I felt a little anxious that he didn't even email. And boy was I a pain to my friends because of that. The overanalyzing, god. I am so fucking neurotic!

This morning he wrote, asking if I wanted to go with him to a gig on Sunday. Apparently his two guy friends bailed out on him so now he's taking me. Just the two of us.

Kif thinks he's lying about the 2 extra tickets, that he just has 1, and that he's somehow painstakingly secured the tickets and magically asked today. Whatever, I cannot trust over-enthusiastic and positive friends' responses.

He wouldn't even tell me how much the ticket costs so I could pay him. Ugh. Such a male thing to do. You'd think this friend of his who bailed out would want a reimbursement at least! I'll have to remember to pester him tomorrow.

After lunch I wrote asking if he wanted an extra cupcake I brought to work for lunch. He declined, claiming he chowed down a chocolate bar before, but he showed up a couple of hours later on my floor asking anyway. He was limping slightly. I suspect he got creamed at the lunchtime football game. I did ask if he was okay but he just brushed it off.

In my panic because he was on my floor and my boss + colleagues can be annoying gossips, I sent him to the kitchen, saying I'd be there in a second once I dumped the papers I was holding on my desk. Talked to him a little while I handed over the cupcakes, letting him have both since I wasn't very hungry anyway, and there were plenty more at home. He mentioned he was meeting with the company's salary packaging consultant about the car he was thinking of buying, and he asked where the consultant was from, because her accent was crazy. I said she was South African, and that she's a very nice lady, just don't ask about her personal life or she'd go on and on. He cheekily said he'd tell the consultant I suggested that she was a windbag.

That's him. Killing my professional relationships one comment after another. I told him to be nice and he said, "Maybe I'll just talk to her about you."

T-Boy thinks this is the biggest sign that he likes me. I still don't know.

Of course he proceeded to exasperate me by being so highly disorganized for his meeting with the consultant tomorrow, he sent three consecutive emails asking various questions, which I replied in one email.

"Thanks. For being helpful I might not tell Ms. V that you said that she went on a bit and bored you to death……
I'll just tell her that you said she was fat and wore too much makeup instead……… ;p"

One of these days I really am going to strangle him. How could anyone make you want to kill and kiss them at the same time?

Currently listening to: Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box
Currently feeling: tired

Sunday SMS
POSTED AT 07:44 PM in Rantings

bella_azzurri

He texted me on Sunday afternoon.

I was so miserable on Saturday. After attending my colleague's wedding (I promised her), I went to the park to sit in the swings, and somehow eventually ended up at the beach. Sitting and thinking. That was not good. The water was calling, but I could only let the waves wash my ankles as I held up the pretty dress I was wearing. Then I just sat and watched the waves, letting the sun warm my skin. When I got home I didn't feel any better even though I could still smell the seabreeze in my hair, which usually makes me smile.

On Sunday, I was nursing period cramps while trying to have lunch. I went to my room for a second and found a message on my phone. My heart, I swear, leapt into my throat, and my cramps disappeared. I called C, who didn't answer, eventually I got Sarah on the phone who laughed and told me to go with the flow.

Going with the flow basically turned to be about 6 hours of texting each other. Except I fell asleep for two. He first asked how my afternoon was, so I just said I was sitting back reading, and I asked what he was doing (watching a DVD). We talked about what we thought about the book and movie respectively, and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I had to get ready for the family bbq.

At the bbq, I texted him just saying I hoped he enjoys the rest of his evening. He wrote back asking how to cook sweet potatoes on a bbq. I cannot believe he asked, I can barely cook! I tried to help by writing back, suggesting that he wrap it in foil before tossing it on the heat.

"For future reference you can indeed cook sweet potatoes on a bbq, and they are most delicious..."

"Congratulations, you can add them to the list of things you can cook. Maybe I can try them someday."

"Yup, that's a list of 4 now, 5 if you include ready brek. You are welcome to try them whever you wish, the big question is are you willing to risk it?"

Double entendre? Two can play at that game!

"Guess I'll just have to throw caution to the wind..."

Excuse me, BUT I DESERVE A GODDAMN MEDAL FOR SAYING THAT. You have no idea how much courage it took, even via text.

He sent a message after, which I did not reply to.

"Sometimes it is the best course of action."

I just cannot believe how Sunday turned out. It's absolutely insane. Oh, I just wish I knew where this was going, I hate not knowing and I will absolutely hate it if somehow this was all a great big stupid joke. My friends are convinced otherwise, and I'm sure he is a genuinely nice person, but you never know, right?

I avoid relationships like the plague, and then this happens. Karma, if you're listening, I hope you know that I only avoid because I've been hurt so bad in the past that I just don't want to feel that way ever again. I want to believe there are good people out there, that I am capable of loving others as they are of loving me, but you've got to cut me some slack here, I'm just not good at this.

Currently listening to: Destiny's Child - Bootylicious
Currently feeling: weird

Friday Confessions
POSTED AT 07:49 PM in Rantings

bella_azzurri

The date was... awkward, but interesting. I genuinely did have fun.

Yes, I'm calling it a date, because C has said it definitely is, so has T-Boy, and Seth, and finally, L, my colleague who is currently on maternity leave. I trust L's judgement because she has a good head on her shoulders and I had no idea what to do just now after work when I wandered around the shopping strip, so when L called, after spilling about something that went down at work, I confessed the whole thing. She laughed at me and told me to just go with the flow, and not shrink back.

Some days I can take a leaf out of Sex & The City - you can feel so confident and great about yourself when it comes to body image, but when a man gets involved, we turn into the most self-conscious creatures ever.

He picked me up at about a quarter to 7. He was running late but he had the decency to call. He stopped outside the house across from mine, so when I was walking down the drive I called out to him. I did hug him hello, and I think he kissed my cheek, but I couldn't reciprocate because, well, lip gloss? Shut up.

We then decided on Asian food. Introducing him to Chinatown was quite hilarious. I don't think he didn't even know it existed, yet he was put up in an apartment hotel nearby when he first got here. I ordered my comfort food at my favourite restaurant because I know they could never screw that up. It was so funny watching him wrestle with chopsticks, I called for a fork and spoon for him. Sadly, despite it having 2 of my favourite comfort dishes, I couldn't eat much.

We talked, getting to know each other. He talked about his family - 2nd, older sister and a younger brother and sister, who are twins. He asked how old my siblings were, and I just said, "23" over a mouthful of tofu, and he immediately got that they were twins, that was when he shared the twins in his family. I didn't talk as much about my family, considering how dysfunctional they are, but I did talk about the Malaysian education system - he seemed to think English was my second language since I was from Malaysia.

I had the chance to glance up at the clock, and it was ten past 8. We had a movie to catch! So I went up to the counter, and was able to get my purse out before he could pull his wallet up, and shove a 50 dollar note to the cashier. He said, "You're a nightmare." and I smiled. I could not, in good conscience, let him pay for the whole evening, as he already paid for the movie tickets and absolutely refused to tell me how much they cost!

We got to the cinema with about 20 minutes to spare. While he redeemed our tickets, I ran to the ladies. Only to discover I got me period and FOR THE FIRST TIME DID NOT CARRY ANY PADS WITH ME. I passed a sanitary napkin machine near the sinks, and discovered to my horror that they only took $2 coins. I only had $1 coins. I ran out, and he was holding a huge cup of Coke. I asked if he had a $2 coin, and he was just putting away the change, thankfully he had $2, but he wouldn't take the $1 coins I offered to him.

Yes. Shut up. He paid for a sanitary napkin. Not like he needs to know!

Got the pad on, felt a little more safe, so I went out and held the tickets and drink while he visited the men's. We chatted outside the cinema for a bit. He joked he had a bit of Sri Lankan in him and I damn near went into conniptions because seriously, WHAT ARE THE ODDS? Turned out he thinks so just because his grandfather was in the army and was based in Ceylon for a while. EPIC FAIL.

The cinema itself was crowded. The whole place was filled up for the new Bond movie. We talked a bit during the previews, and he mentioned that the movie Australia looked interesting.

On my other side was a very noisy, redneck-ish fellow so I was leaning slightly to his side, and my arm leaned on his on the armrest.

During the movie? Nothing. NADA. Seriously, at the very least a guy would try to take your hand, right? Then again, I am the last person to gauge how a first date should go.

He drove me home, again saying he might want to watch Australia. I gave a noncommittal response. When we pulled up my drive, I said thank you, it was really nice. And I held out my arms to hug him.

SO AWKWARD OKAY. We had no idea what went where, and I swear at one point I felt his breath on the side of my neck. I don't know if I moved like I wanted to kiss him (so badly) but we paused, face inches away, before we both pulled back. He asked that I email him tomorrow, and god knows what possessed me, I responded with, "Er, with what?" Said a final goodbye and got out the car.

Had a meltdown on the phone with T-Boy. His wife gave instructions to wait at least 12 hours before smsing him to say thank you, I had a good time and hope we could do it again sometime.

This morning, I went through my usual work motions, probably a little distracted. I was glad for the morning team meeting, which would kill off an hour and a half at least, of which then I could then sms to say thank you (because big brother may be reading your workmails). Seated in the meeting room, waiting for everyone else, I saw him exit the lifts and enter the glass doors next to the meeting room.

I don't know what possessed me, I lifted the sheaf of papers I had to my face, pretending to read it, and I sank slightly as well. God, I am so fucking repressed.

After the meeting I texted him. "Thank you for yesterday evening. I really enjoyed it, so thank you again and maybe we could do it again sometime."

The reply, "Well thanks for coming along with me, Bella. I had a nice time. We shall definitely have to do it again sometime."

I kept thinking, too vague, and I highly doubt he will ask me out again.

But in the afternoon, I suddenly got an email, asking what I was doing over the weekend. Unfortunately I have a very busy weekend so I told him so without going into too much detail and asked after his. Carina scolded me, saying I should have said nothing, maybe he wanted to hang out. I don't know. I was being very coy and not my direct self, I can't even describe it myself. I so badly wanted to ask if he wanted to have coffee on Saturday, but I held back. In my final email I told him to have a great weekend. That was it.

I'm so confused. I swore I wouldn't be like this again. Not again. Not after him. I know I can't go through that kind of hurt again. I just can't. I've closed myself off for so long I don't even know if I'm capable of caring for someone who isn't a friend or family. I'm not even sure what romantic love is anymore. I feel like I'm falling, but I don't know if I like this feeling very much.

Doesn't help that well, in my opinion anyway, I honestly think he's cute. And he was quite the gentleman, and so very sweet. I guess that SATC analogy comes into play here - what the hell was he doing asking me to dinner and a movie?

I sense a mopey weekend in between all the activity.

Currently listening to: Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
Currently feeling: confused