maLanDiNg LecHe...

friday evening, it was probably one of the worst days of my life. it was when i realized i might have to stay another year in the program... doing nothing until january of 2010. when i said id like to spend all my life studying in school, i didnt mean studying the same shit over and over again because i cant manage to graduate.

it was my fault really. i sent an application to my placement office without attaching the application itself... and this was way back in april. i couldnt have found out at a worse time, 2 months before my placement is scheduled to start i find this out. well, it could have been much much worse, say, i find out in january. i wouldve been screwed. just like my favourite saying "fucked myself in the ass", thats how it wouldve been.

not suprisingly, i completely shut down during the weekend. it was almost like full blown depression. id wake up and lie in bed for hours. ignore the hunger pangs, i couldnt bring myself to get out of bed and do something... everytime i move im reminded of my stupidity. i start questioning my sanity, the what the fuck is wrong with me this yearquestion. my friends began sending me their worried messages, the its-not-your-style-to-wallow-like-this or are-you-sure-youre-alright-because-i-can-feel-something-is-off. i know i shouldve appreciated the concern, and to some degree i did, but i just wanted to be left alone. the presence of anyone, and i mean ANYONE, made me tear up. i didnt want to do my ugly cry, i can do better than that.

presently, i might have averted this disaster... but one can never know.

 

Joram, tragically, is out of the country and my sister had work... so i went by myself.

i waited in line for 1 hour... another 2 hours was spent enduring the opening acts. they werent bad, although i cant really be certain... my whole being was just too preoccupied keeping my stomach in check. it had happened to me before. yknow, apprehension to the point where youre physically ill? first was the few hours prior to the spice girls concert... and now again, but this time its a show minus baby, scary, posh and ginger. i really felt like throwing up.

then the lights went off, the band started playing and out she came... Melanie C in all her glory.

it was unlike any other high ive felt in my life. to be so close... to be able to not only see but note the detail on her ink. gawd... more and more i want to get a star tattoed on my forearm. at times i felt like my head was going to pop from the volume of the show, from all the screaming around me. but it was ok, id happily lose my hearing knowing that i lost it from listening to the tunes that i love.

jesus christ, she did not disappoint.

the evening started innocently enough... a nice dinner date with my closest friends at Demetre's. there were 11 of us and no doubt we were the noisiest motherfuckers in the joint, good thing we were stashed at the back where we could only bother those 10 people in our immediate surrounding as supposed to everyone in the restaurant.

by the time we got to my place, our number dwindled to 6; the kids had to go home and Pav and Anna had work the next day. good thing, because what was about to transpire... well... it is what blackmail threats are made of...

i swore to Mother that my friends are better drunks than my sister's friends. after all, my friends are older... wiser... definitely more experienced with alcohol. of course i was unbelievably wrong. Midnight; Mother was nice enough to bake us some lasagna. Carine already ate some waffles at Demetre's and dropped by McDonald's and downed a Big Mac, despite all that, I encouraged her to eat some lasagna... (how big of an idiot am i?!). and so it began...

being the last person to get drunk has its benefits. for one i got to see my friends act like complete idiots. two, i can remember my friends act like complete idiots and that leads to benefit number 3, blackmail. it has its disadvantages as well... well, one big disadvantage, i was then responsible for taking care of their drunk asses.

by the next morning my house was a mess. i was clearly hung-over and perhaps still a little bit drunk. the washrooms and the family room smelled like vomit... i smelled like vomit. i could vividly remember having to take care of everyone while they puked out all the contents of their stomachs. I vividly remember Carine emptying her stomach on me (never has Mother's lasagna looked so unappetizing). I tell you, I've dealt with a lot of shit as a student Nurse but that was the first time anyone had ever gotten sick on me (although I was a bit proud of myself... all night long Carine kept saying how she has never gotten so drunk that she had to vomit -- i showed you!!! MUAHAHAHA!!)

i had no regrets that night... oh yes, no regrets. well... maybe one. i never intended to have my Mother witness the destructive power of my drunk friends (even the walls were not safe from the awesome power of Jackie's vomit). So... I'm so sorry Mother. I'm so sorry (can I just buy you a bottle of Shiraz and perhaps we can forget that this whole event happened?). I really would have preferred that she stayed asleep throughout the night but she was apparently awoken by a repeated dull-sounding bang on the wall (which she later learned was Carine's head hitting the bathroom wall).

So, the lessons from Saturday Night Fun...

...No matter how experienced you think someone is when it comes to alcohol they are all lightweights compared to me.

...Man created Lysol solely for removing any evidence that drunk people were having too much fun the night before.

...A drunk Jackie is a promiscuous Jackie.

...Although it is fun to be the last one to get drunk, it is always easier to be the first one drunk.

...Encourage Carine to chew her fucking food, enough said.

...Carine needs to don personal protective equipment before getting intoxicated, a helmet would be the most appropriate.

...Playing poker with drunkards is impossible.

...Jackie needs a leash and has to be tied down before getting intoxicated; it is vital for the safety of my neighbours and any unsuspecting pizza delivery guy.

...Tequila is not our best friend.

within a few months, i should be writing my RN exam and finally practicing and earning a good amount of $$. unfortunately, it's not going to happen anytime soon. i have decided to drop the geriatrics course. this move, of course, is a smart one... considering i am certainly way below the passing mark of 63. unfortunately, the course is the co-requisite of my clinical course. although i have already spent 200+ hours in the mental health unit, all that... all that... nothing. i would need to come back next winter and repeat the whole semester (practice and nursing course included). seriously. fuck that shit.

i am certainly very frustrated. perhaps i should have broken my ankle like cindy... she's only required to complete the nursing course this winter and finish her practice hours in may. or maybe i should have tried to kill myself like joram... they're certainly going easy on her; allowing her to take her time finishing all the required work and courses.

i phoned my mom about this... she's frustrated, i know it. it took my brother 1 year longer to complete his studies... i guess i will be going the same route. it does take a considerable amount of money to get me to school, but the way things are going... if i do graduate on time i would probably work for a few months and call it quits after that. i am unbelievably frustrated that i'm apathetic. i don't care. i don't want to do this anymore and i don't give a fucking shit anymore. burnout, anyone?

it was one of the better days of my life. sadly, the one person who could have been there with me and make it the best day of my life, well... whatever. no point getting all emo about it.

i was fine the morning of the concert... it was like any other day. but, i had gotten so excited by the evening that i was physically sick. i mean, physically sick. i wanted to puke all over the floor and crawl out of the arena. and then the lights went off... i jumped up from my seat, i screamed and screamed. they weren't even on the stage yet and i was already bawling my eyes out. i was crying like baby.

i screamed so much i felt like i was going to faint. i ran on adrenaline and adrenaline alone. everything was such a blur. in fact, it's as if it never really happened. i mean, playing back the videos we took with our camera, clearly i was there... i mean, who else is that person singing to the songs so undoubtedly out of tune.

i want to go see them again. i really do. but tickets are all sold out and the ones on sale on ebay are so unbelievably expensive (not that our tickets were inexpensive - but think... $K vs. $140). coming off from that concert feels like coming off some sort of addiction. or maybe... more appropriately, like crashing down from too much caffeine and sugar. it sucks.

thank you. thank you very much for that night.