September 3rd, 2008

eraserheads: hard to believe

i echo the song when i say i find it hard to believe that eraserheads really did come together for a reunion concert. harder to believe that i got svip passes.

i bet there are hundreds of blogs out there that would give you a better account of the event, i am guilty of being late because parking was hell. i was singing in the car when alapaap started and only got in when they were singing kailan, which was pretty okay with me because that was the song that i really had to hear live.

it was a religious experience for me. not that i think they're gods, maybe demigods and only when they're performing together, haha. but it was very surreal, and after hearing them i felt like everything was right in the world again. it's weird, i know. but their music is really something else. i can't really explain it.

i thought maybe it's just the nostalgia, maybe it's only the memories of me playing my brother's ultraelectromagneticpop tape in my tita's cassette radio after school while eating extra thick maggi. maybe it's just me remembering how i so wanted to be a too doo doo back up singer for with a smile. maybe it's just because huling el bimbo reminds me of how me and my brother danced along with the mtv. it very well maybe, but then after listening to their songs nonstop while revising my mid year reports and with jope in the car, i'd have to give it to them, the songs really stood up for themselves.

while looking for parking and passing by the sea of people trying to get in the concert venue, jope was a bit amazed at the volume of people lining up for eraserheads. i said that well, for some of these people, eraserheads defined their lives. quickly after saying that, my cynic hurried self kind of laughed at how cheesy that reply was.

fastforward to four days later, funny how i find myself listening to hard to believe (from sticker happy) over and over. it's my song of the moment, it's my ode to my present life. funny how a song could turn a new leaf and shoo away my cynic hurried self. i feel brand new, hard to believe, but eraserheads sort of did it for me and so i'm here, back from my blogging hiatus to make sure i document this.

my thanks to jope, who went to the eraserheads concert with me even if he didn't know a single song.

ps. if you want to know how the second set was supposed to go, click here. i don't know the source, but it would have been a fantabulous ending.

ely set me and jope

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June 19th, 2008

big sis, lil sis

12:05 AM (starpish)

i miss my sister. i miss having her around.

here's a poor attempt at making pop art with directions from melissaclifton.com. it's not done yet and i never got around to finishing it but it's fine like this, i think.

i so miss her, the post can't wait till i finish. i wish you well bebe.

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May 30th, 2008

still the luckiest

03:31 PM (starpish)

the man i trust my life with married me with this vow:

while i was waiting for you in starbucks last wednesday, i had a religious experience. my car broke down that day, my cellphone died on me, i was in shabby clothes, i don't have much money with me. all i had was the book of our wedding day program, your high-tech cellphone which i can't figure out how to use, and a cup of tea. i was receiving numerous phone calls from everybody making me "kulit" about things for the wedding and all i can do is to heave a sigh because from where i am, i can do nothing. after months of being OC about the wedding, i was on a stand-still not being able to do anything anymore. everything was now in the hands of fate, of other people, and i simply am being forced to let go.

that wednesday, i was strapped off control and i was reminded of the barest essentials, of what is most valuable - you. because all i have is you. all i want to be is with you. that wednesday was a reminder of how i started with you and where my letting go has taken me - with you, here, now. i have been most happy with you. i found myself because of you. i am me when i'm with you. cathy, you kow everything about me - my dreams, my desires, my idiosyncracies, my frustrations, my weaknesses. i chose to share my most intimate self with you because you love me and you loved me first. thank you.

today, i am commiting myself to share with you all that i have, all that i am, and all that i will be however miniscule that may be. you are my happiness, my pearl of great price, remember? as i declare my love for you in public, know that "forever" is true. my love will never die and even on my last breath, i will utter only your name. i love you, cathy; my promise is forever. my promise is to promise to keep my promise and to work hard to retain and sustain the love i gave to no one else but you that first instance of chat up to the first of July, to almost three years of being together. i love you. allow me to take you to be my wife, my partner, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, from this day, i will cherish and love you fully, until forever. no death, no tears, i will be with you. forever, cathy, forever is true.

if i say there were no dry tears in the chapel when he professed his vow, i doubt that anyone would disagree. a year and 49 days after, he still remains true to his promise. there were rough patches, small ones and some big ones that made us want to just up and leave. we've fought, we've cried, we've hurt each other. but we also laugh, we talk, we hug. we may not be "perfect" but i say we're better than that, because we are real.

four years ago, i wrote about him and the state of how our relationship was, when he was still my boyfriend. you can click here if you want to go back in time and read it. funny, i still feel very much the same, only now with more basis, more grounded, more true.

like i said four years ago, i hope you find a love as beautiful as this.

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things that i learned about money

02:41 PM (starpish)

1. you don't bite the hand that feeds you, otherwise prepare to go hungry.

2. more money doesn't necessarily mean more problems.

3. if it's not yours, it's not yours. you have no right over it, no matter how much you think you deserve it.

4. it can buy you temporary happiness. (but isn't happiness really just temporary?)

5. it can't buy you dignity, just forced respect. i've met people who had money since birth and supposedly were brought up with the finest things in life, but still act like sons of bitches and wield their supposed powers to "lower life forms."

6. it can ruin relationships.

7. what you get isn't always commensurate with what you think you deserve, as with most things in life.

8. money is power. how much power it has over you is your decision though.

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May 19th, 2008

a belated mother's day post

06:17 PM (starpish)

over dinner last friday at my cousin's birthday party, my brother's girlfriend mentioned that my brother might go the US for a week because my mom asked him to sign papers. it was news to me because i didn't know there was anything like that planned but i told her that my mom just probably misses my brother . she agreed and then further said that during one of their chats, my mom mentioned that my kuya and my little sister were her favorites.

now i don't know the context when it was said, but after hearing that i felt like i was in time space warp for a few minutes. did i really just hear that from her? it was weird -- the who, the what, the how of it. i shrugged it off though and proceeded with the light chit chat in our table. i couldn't get it off my mind though. it was a mix of jealousy, of sadness, of disappointment and just plain missing my mother.

out of her five children, i am the one she spent the least time with. most of my siblings lived with her after graduation from college and while i followed suit, i went back here in the philippines after three months. i got married the following year. i only spent three months with her, half of which i was down with depression. when i went back, i sorely missed her. it was the first time in my life when i felt like someone had my back, who would be with me through everything. yung parang kahit anong mangyari may kakampi ka sa mundo. that was when i understood what having a mother meant and i regret not being able to tell her that because i was too busy working on my life. i regret not having spent more time with her, regret crying in my bedroom rather than be with her while i was there. there's too many things, and i can't do much about it now.

i was sad because i know we are not as close as i would want us to be, and while we are already strenghtening our communication lines over email, a hug still trumps a hundred emails. i was never a believer of long distance relationships because things really get lost between the miles. i love you doesn't sound as meaningful over the phone as a a tight hug on a bad day.

i wasn't jealous because i wanted to be a favorite but because i knew what she meant when she said favorite. it's not loving one more than the other or favoring one over the other.

of all her kids, i am most like my mom. sensitive, impulsive, touchy and a feeler more than a thinker. i understand what she is because i am her kid version. i miss her, that's all. and sometimes i wonder if she knows how much i love her.

over the weekend i caught meet joe black in hbo twice, so i'll borrow from the movie:

Bill Parrish
I haven't been the father
to you that, uh...

Allison
That you've been to Susan?

Bill Parrish
I wasn't going to say that.

Allison
But that's what you were thinking. And that's okay. Because I know that you love me. I mean, it's not like it is with her. Whenever she walks into the room, your eyes light up. She always gets a smile from you, as opposed to me. When I walk in, this look comes over your face, like, "What does she want now?"

But you've never let either of us want for anything. Oh, God. More than that, Daddy, more than that. I've felt loved, and that's all that matters. So, never mind favorites. You're allowed to have one. The point is, you've been mine.

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