All i know now is im happy!

Not so damn perfecty happy but everything is at peace..

Though i know i dont have the strength to stay away from him,  still enjoying the moment at ang mga nalalabing araw na magkakasama kami.

Let things go...release them. Detach  yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and lose. Do not expect anything in your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. In the end only three things matter... How much  you loved...How gently you lived..How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.  -- Paulo Coelho

********

nakalimutan ko i blog how thankful i am 2wiks ago when my friends went here sa bahay to light a candle for my dear angel. imagine hindi ako yung dinalaw nila kundi yung anghel ko na peacefully sleeping. hay sana his dad one day makadalaw din sa kanya but i know it would never happen...

*******

my special friend keeps on telling me about his feelings, it grows deeper daw everday wow but im scared about that hindi pa ko ready to commit myself to him or miski sino. sabi ko nga whats wrong with me bakit hindi ko na magive yung hundred percent luv ko kahit kanino. i mean part of me died 2 years ago na and whats keeping me alive now ay yung mga taong andyan sa paligid ko. i dont want to be unfair with him but i know alam naman nya how hard this things for me, kakapagod na din namang makipaglaro. dating those guys but alang spark. for now i know i need someone to be there for me, someone i can talk to, a bestfriend and i want to enjoy every single day being with him. i know i love that person pero may kulang hindi sa kanya but  sakin. i want to live again like before, yung ako dati without worries, without doubt. im thankful of everything na nangyayari sa life ko ngayon, ang peaceful..hindi ako sanay hehe minsan nagiging pasaway padin ako kasi im scared na baka nananaginip lang ako at hindi totoo lahat. but i know i deserve this.

lahat na ata nagbigay na ng wish list nila, ako naman makikigaya...

wish ko:

1.  peace of mind

2.  tuluyan ko ng makalimutan yung past ko

3.  maapprove sana ng consul ang visa ko

4.  makaalis na sana ako early next year

5.  lalo sanang gumanda ang lovelife ko

6.  makapag out of town sana ako ulit

7.  mabili ko yung pangarap kong dslr cam

8.  makapag volunteer sana ako sa mga non govt org

9.  tuluyan na sana akong pumayat

10. magkaron sana ako ng madaming pera

Yeah, the title says Sex God! I'm not double time backsliding! I got the audio book of Rob Bell's "Sex God" from a friend, and I listened to it yesterday, not yet done though...here's the synopsis!

Synopsis: 
God and sex go together. You can’t separate the two, says Rob Bell, because this physical world is intimately linked to deeper spiritual realities. And so, in order to make sense of sexuality, at some point you have to talk about God. With beauty and unusual insight, Sex God explores this connection. 

"Bell raises the bar with this evocative follow-up to last year's bestseller Velvet Elvis….Bell's book isn't a sex manual, an exploration of the differences between men and women, or a marriage how-to, though all of that is here. Instead, it's the story of God becoming human, of humans mirroring God, and love made manifest in the messiness of our humanity. Sex God is about relationships revealed in a way that elevates the human condition and offers hope to those whose relationships are wounded. In Bell's spare, somewhat oblique style, he addresses lust, respect, denial, risk, acceptance, and more. His love for God and the Bible is clear, as is his ability to ask probing questions and offer answers that make readers think deeply about their own lives. He does a fine job using the Bible and real life to show that our physical relationships are really about spiritual relationships. This book joyfully ties, and then tightens, the knot between God and humankind. — Publishers Weekly

Well, anyway, I'm not here to promote the book, just wanna assure people "I'm not backsliding!"

I guess sexuality is a topic that is really relevant to people...Bell mentioned there that we have to be careful not to associate ourselves as animals or as angels because we are neither...God did not make us to just procreate and follow our instincts...neither did He make us as angels to deny our human desires. Anyway, that's probably too much to take. I think the key is really to hold on to God's grace, to be able to understand and make our actions in accordance to His commands.

The next statement, Bell said is that being sexy means being comfortable with your skin....I guess that means appreciating our color, weight, hair, etc. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try to be healthy and neat...and however beautiful we want to be. The thing is, we must not be frustrated if things don't happen as we want them...or if God made us as we are...being comfortable with ourselves means appreciating God Who created us.

These might be too shallow as explanation for some...but it really pains me when I see some men & women, including myself who are/were tormented/condemned by mistakes and thoughts. I just wanna say that hey, God knows us, He understands, and is willing to forgive and guide...I'm not yet comfortable to say that He is a Sex God...but He is awesome in His love!

having him here at this wonderful place wow peace of mind. bonding with him....kahit pa nagagalit ang panahon samin at super lamig dun.

but still i know everything is in control, yoko pa ng commitment,i just want to enjoy his company muna. in time kung kami talaga, e di kami talaga. a special friendship na nagbloom into another level. walang dapat irush coz andami ko pang plans and naiintindihan naman nya yun. im gonna post pic of him soon but not now haha.

staring at my pc monitor i dont know what im gonna write.

txting and chatting at the same time...

now ano naiisip ko?

xmas very near, new year, at kung ano ano pang occasions...

i dont want to be very emotional pag dumadating ang mga okasyon na yon, coz i know ok na ang buhay ko. but i know something is missing.. not love coz i already found it sa mga taong nasa paligid ko.. and siguro i just miss my old self lang.. yung ako na walang iniisip dati..

now..im afraid of my past, yung trauma na naranasan ko ayoko ng balikan but sometimes it haunts me kahit pa ayoko ng isipin yon though i know it made me a better person now dahil sa mga nangyari..

im afraid of my future for i dont know what will happen to me, kung magagawa ko ba lahat ng plano ko o ma achieve isa man don..

maybe i have to be here sa present, yun bang i surrender everything kay God kung ano ang mangyayari sa buhay ko for i know only Him ang magguide sa kin sa mga dadating pa na kung sino man o anuman sa life ko.

ayan madami pa din ako nasulat hehe